TAKE MY ADVICE, PLEASE.

A simple cure for lower back pain

2010-02-22T09:28:00.001-05:00

Do you suffer from lower back pain? Have you been to a Chiropractor and have been found to have nothing wrong with the vertebrae in your lower back? If this is the case then I have a possible solution to your lower back pain.

A good portion of lower back pain is caused by the tightening of the hamstring muscles. Where are your hamstring muscles? The muscle that runs down the length of the back or inside of the thigh. This muscle allows for the bending of your lower leg to kick yourself in the ass. And I have done that MANY times! But seriously, since the very top of the hamstring muscle attaches to your lower gluteus maximus (your butt) when it gets taught and needs to be stretched, it can be the cause of lower back pain until it is properly stretched. So, how do you stretch your hamstring muscles? Simple. Stand straight up with your feet about six inches apart. Now, keeping your knees straight, SLOWLY bend at the waist, arms outstretched towards the floor, and try to touch your toes. If you haven't done this stretch often, it's going to hurt like hell. That's because the muscle is so tight. Do this three to four times until you can touch your toes. That pull you feel at the back inside of your leg is the hamstring muscle being stretched. These muscles tighten up with age and need to be stretched on a regular basis. I suggest doing this stretching exercise every day about one hour after you have awakened. During this stretch, your knees will tend to want to bend to alleviate the pain. Keep them straight or the exercise will not be done properly. Over time, this stretch will become easier to do and less painful. If you have lower back pain and start stretching your hamstring muscles and notice relief, please write in a comment box describing your progress.

When your friends desert you for no apparent reason

2010-02-15T08:26:00.000-05:00

How many friends do you have? If you have a FACEBOOK account, the odds are that you have hundreds. People who were just passing acquaintances now all of a sudden count you as a friend. Don't you find that interesting?

How about people you have known for decades? Is their friendship loyal? Do you only hear from them when you initiate contact? How do you define friend? Someone to laugh with? Share secrets with? Confide in and seek advice with? Is your mate your friend? Are they your best friend? A friendship requires two people or things. But what happens when you are somebody's friend but they are no longer yours? How will you know when this occurs? And if they offer no explanation, will you go through life wondering what you did to lose their friendship? Such is my case.

Thirty years ago, my brother had a friend. They were in the same homeroom during years of school together. They were never really close friends, but they were more than acquaintances. This friend used to visit our house and soon I became friends with this person. We realized that we had more in common than he and my brother, so we became great friends. Soon we had women in our lives and the four of us became friends too. We were very close and celebrated birthdays and holidays together. Our friendship seemed cast in stone.

Time passes, people move away and get divorced. Now comes the difficult task of dividing the friends. Sad but true, especially when some members bad mouth and point the finger at others. I believed our friendship could weather any storm and tried to stay in contact even though distance kept us from spending any real time together. I recently found one half of this couple on FACEBOOK and immediately clicked the "ADD AS FRIEND" button. It has been three weeks now and I have yet to get a confirmation. I find this truly odd as I cannot fathom what I must have done to warrant being snubbed and ignored. Without a single word of explanation, no less. Are people that insulated that they can throw away years of friendship? Has all memory of good times shared been erased? How can people be so cold? My own philosophy has been that once you are my friend, you are a friend for life. Barring some heinous crime, I can't think of a good reason to throw away a friendship. The next time you get a friend request on FACEBOOK, think hard about the person requesting such friendship and whether or not they are sincere and whether or not you are sincere. Mourning the loss of a good friend hurts as much as if they have passed away. And not being able to still be a part of their life hurts just as much. In a world full of cubicles, having friends is like money in the bank.

A MESSAGE OF HOPE FROM GOD

2010-02-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

God came to me in a dream last night. He wasn't what I was expecting. He appeared to me as the diminutive actress Linda Hunt who starred in "The year of living dangerously" and most recently as "Stella" in the western, "Silverado." I said to him, "Oh my God, you're Linda Hunt!" She said, "Who were you expecting, Morgan Freeman?" I told her no and that I couldn't put a face on such an inexplicable entity. She smiled and sat next to me. She was at least half my size. I told her that for a God, she was pretty tiny. She said that the idea of God is small but not easily understood by many. She said that it was people who made God large and foreboding. "Good point," I said. "So, what do you want?" I asked. She said, "I have a list of things I'd like you to share with your readers and I like your style." I was flattered. Immediately, Charlton Heston and John Denver were in the room saying, "Hey, what about me?!" but Ms. Hunt silenced them by saying that they were dead and didn't have a blog. "Oh, yeah, right," they said and were gone.

She then handed me a list of demands that she had made. I asked her why she needed a list? Why couldn't she just appear to everyone and tell them herself? She said, "Billions of people believe in me in some way or another. But, if I WERE to appear and claim to be God, who would believe me?" "Right," I said. "You'd be sharing a padded cell with other crazies!" "Exactly, and it's why I have you," she said. So, here, now, is the list that God gave me.

1) Don't call me unless it's an emergency!
Do you have any idea what reversed long distance charges do to my cell phone minutes? I have the trillion minute plan but I still get hit with the extra charge when I go over. And why do you insist on calling me while you're making love? it's always, "OH GOD!....OH GOD!....and I come running like a fool. And then I have to watch you make those silly faces. Very embarrassing! Oh, and another thing: I'm sick to my stomach at seeing you all naked. Have any of you looked at yourselves in the mirror lately? You've all swelled up like drowning victims. Here's some advice: Eat the fishes but pass on the loaves. Jeesh!

2) Must you pepper your conversations using my name ALL the time?
When I'm talking to my angels you don't hear me saying, "JERRY CLARK, how many times do I have to tell you guys to stop with the singing and rejoicing all the time. For BOB'S sake, can't a deity get some quiet around here once in a while?!" See how annoying that is? So, stop it or else. It's no skin off my nose to whip up some more hurricane Katrina's. What the hell, you blame ME for them anyway.

3) I am NOT pissed off. Stop blaming me for natural disasters, disease, famine, weather, and death.
Has it ever occurred to any of you that I am not angry? That I am not the cause of your strife? I have too much multi-tasking to do than to make mischief. In fact, I ignore you most of the time. Look, I built this whole place and stuck you on it. It is not cost effective to tear it all to pieces. You all do a pretty good job of that yourselves. Although, I DID do that big tsunami a few years back. Did you see how dirty you made my beach? How the hell else am I supposed to clean it? So, again, take responsibility for what happens around you. Don't think that I'll always come and bail you out like some drunken frat boy. Grow up, be responsible! If you don't, I WILL toss an asteroid your way. I did it before and I'll do it again!

4) Stop killing each other saying that I told you so.
I do not sanction death in my name. Besides, you've all got it all wrong. All of your separate dogma points to me in some way or another. But it has been by your own hands that you have edited my thoughts. You have all claimed to know what I am thinking. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I only think about one thing: How soon to the next round of "American Idol" tryouts. That stuff is funnier than 69 virgins. LOL!! So, stay out of my head. Put down your weapons and call a cease fire. I don't want you to kill anymore of my science experiment! Or, I'll evolve you all back into apes!

5) There really is no heaven or hell.
THAT was just bad press. Pure propaganda! There are only two absolutes that affect you all: Good and bad. You all should know the difference by now. Respect for nature and all my inventions is good. Processed food is bad. The only exception is ice cream. That's good AND bad. Heaven and hell are the choices you make. You either live your life treating others with respect and love (Heaven) or you commit pain and suffering to every one and every thing around you (Hell) I give you all ONE CHANCE to get it right. Don't waste it. You "Buddhists" are another story.

6) Don't ask me why you're there.
That's my little secret. Just enjoy yourselves while you can. It doesn't matter why you're there. It doesn't end when you do, I'll tell you that much. Each of you becomes a tiny part of the whole. There won't be any music, harps, clouds or dead relatives. You will reach a new level of consciousness. Do you know that weightless feeling you feel right before you pass out from too much "Jack Daniels?" THAT'S what death feels like. Don't be afraid. Be kind to each other. Love each other. Be nice to my planet or I'll make it so hot, you'll need 1,000,000 sun block.

How we are manipulated by fear

2010-01-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

Fear: anxiety caused by real or possible danger. That is one of the definitions of fear according to Webster's New World Dictionary. All people fear something. Some fear more than others. My guess is that only a minute portion of the worlds population fear nothing. Which means somewhere, someone possess absolutely no fear of anything. Somewhere there is a human being cut off from the outside world safe from any natural predators and oblivious to the impending doom that is thrust down our throats on a daily basis. This person feels no anxiety, no fear for it's life, no dim outlook for the future. They are surrounded by complete bliss. The only emotion they experience is sheer joy. They have no access to Television. No access to radio. No Internet. No other human contact to supply them with apocalyptic certainty. They live in a vacuum. They sleep soundly at night and dream in total serenity. They have no need for pills, Doctors, Psychologists or Psychiatrists. Therapy is a foreign word. "Angst" has no meaning. Darkness turns to light, the sun passes overhead slowly leading into night and another day passes unremarkable. This person doesn't fear global warming, H1N1 virus, Aids, Ebola, depleted ozone layers, impending asteroid collisions, or National debt. Every time some robot newscaster reads the latest catastrophe or crisis from a teleprompter, they are immune. Right-wing talking heads that babble their opinions never reach their intended targets. Conspiracy theories never reach those ears. They never see the images of starving childrens' faces or see the devastation of earthquakes, hurricanes or tsunamis. They are immune to the fear that perpetuates our lives daily. And purposefully. Yes, fear of catastrophe is pushed upon us whether we like it or not. Because, with fear comes control. Control of the masses. If you live in constant fear all other aspects of life are trivial. The media figured out this tool during the fifties. Communism, the red scare was one of the earliest forms of control. Next, the cold war threat of nuclear annihilation taught us to fear for our lives and to run right out and buy bomb shelters. Children were conditioned to scramble under desks when the air raid sirens went off. During the sixties it was the threat of rock and roll music and the drugs associated with it that instilled fear in many of us. I was a young child during the sixties but I was never afraid of my 45 r.p.m. single, "I want to hold your hand, " by the Beatles. Should I have been afraid? And just when it looked like we had run out of things to fear, the media decided that we should fear black people. Organizations like The Black Panthers and black Muslims had the spot light shone on them. We were made to fear for our women and black empowerment. Radical student groups like the Weather underground instilled fear in us too. Then, the eighties arrived with a boon for the media to threaten us with more doomsday news: AIDS. Nothing like a slow, painful deadly epidemic to make most of us panic. Unprotected sex with a stranger signed your death warrant according to the media. Evangelicals had a field day claiming this newest threat was God's punishment for our Sodom and Gomorrah lifestyle. And what greater fear is there than God's wrath? But then something truly momentous happened: the Berlin wall came tumbling down and the most amazing thing happened: absolutely nothing. So, with an old threat now realized as no threat at all, the media needed something new: global warming. What a coup! A whole planet to instill fear upon. Another great catastrophe in the making to feed the fear machine. Oh, and let us not forget that other fear in-stiller: the drying up of our crude oil supplies. Yes indeed, anyone with a car had yet another reason to lose sleep. What will we do when the oil runs out? How will we cope with pharmaceuticals dumped in our water supply? AND WHAT ON EARTH WILL WE DO ABOUT THE TERRORISTS! Can you hear the media giants glasses clinking at the new endless supply of nightly news terror? Keep that alert on orange and watch the sales of Valium, Ativan and Xanax go through the roof. Say the words, "weapons of mass destruction" enough times and you will have people sleeping under their beds and duct-taping their houses shut. When people live in constant fear big business thrives. Drug manufacturers, gun manufacturers, home alarm systems companies all benefit from our fear. With the crisis of global warming looming over our heads and our children's heads, all alternative energy companies benefit. But it is the media that benefits the most. We glue our heads to the Television so we can be informed of the next crisis, the next catastrophe, the next natural disaster, the next car bomb explosion and all it's carnage. We as a nation are being manipulated. We are shown only the pain, suffering, atrocities, and acts of terror that occurs on this planet. There is no uplifting news, only death and tragedy. It is plain to see why people have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, lock their doors and refuse to be on the streets at night. We are being oppressed by fear; made to live in fear by what we are told and by what we see. The truth is obscured and manipulated by those whose job it is to report it to us unbiased. We need to question authority. We need to question the source. We need to understand who stands the most to gain by keeping us living in fear. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" should be our mantra. Open your doors, step outside into the sun and be glad to be alive. Fear cannot hurt you if it is manufactured in your own imagination. Peace.

How many times can you re-invent yourself?

2010-01-22T12:55:00.001-05:00

We are at war, people! The bad news is that it's us against us. What war am I referring to? The recession war. A very small portion of us started this war. We applied for mortgages that we could never support. We maxed out our credit cards to engage in the "good life" or maybe to just merely survive. We ran out and bought gas-guzzling tanks to take our kids to school with. We threw our money away on cigarettes, gym memberships that we would never use, and bought millions of gadgets that we saw on late night infomercials. We got lazy. We refused to take menial jobs, let somebody else do it. We unionized and coerced employers into paying us ridiculous sums of money for jobs that practically anyone could do. We charged an exorbitant amount of money for home repairs and remodeling and built multimillion dollar castles to live in. Some of us. The rest of us went to work, did our jobs, came home, sat on the couch and ate potato chips. Then, a malevolent third party decided that we needed to be taken down a notch. We weren't worthy of such luxury. We needed to suffer a bit. The big machine decided that by raising gas prices, we would all suffer. Well, not all: the truly rich never suffer. To them it's just a fly in the ointment. With gas prices sky high, those folks with those unmanageable mortgages couldn't afford their monthly payments anymore. They stopped spending money on luxuries and horded every penny. Some still could not manage and lost their homes. Retailers saw a decline in spending and had to tighten their belts. They laid people off. New car sales tanked thanks in part to stricter lending practices imposed by banks. Credit card companies raised interest rates and canceled some customers in response to some of those credit card holders defaulting on their balances. With car sales down, workers got laid off. With home equity loans and credit lending being scaled back, people stopped home improvements and remodeling. With less materials being sold, building supply stores laid people off. With no new houses being built, home builders laid people off. With nobody to buy houses, banks and mortgage lenders ran out of customers forcing them to lay people off. With all these newly unemployed people in the population, spending came to a crashing halt. This is where we are today.

The latest catch phrase is "re-invent yourself." Discover a hidden talent that lay dormant inside you. See where there is a need and fill the gap. When you consider that the three least affected sectors of the economy are health care, government and teaching, our re-invention choices are limited. It takes two years of schooling to get an associates degree and when you finally graduate, there are 8 people waiting in line for the same job. How do you survive for those two years? How about an apprenticeship? That's where you learn a trade but do not get paid until you have fully mastered that trade. How do you pay the bills until then? Let's say that you have discovered some hidden talent that might generate some income. You are going to have to market that talent. You will have to ADVERTISE! Yes, that nine letter word that all companies despise. Advertising takes money. Money you don't have because you've been unemployed for a year and your bank account is empty. Let's say that you had a high paying job before you got the ax and you still have a bit saved to invest in your advertising. What is going to give you the most bang for your buck? THAT concept is highly debated amongst certain people in the know. If the service you provide is a luxury, in a bad economy clients are going to be hard to find. Even if it's a simple inexpensive service, people are reluctant to spend any money for fear of losing their jobs or home. They say, "re-invent yourself to cater to a niche business." All the more harder to find clients with needs to fulfill. Unless you've got a six figure bank account, any new venture needs venture capital. Where do you think you're going to get that? No bank will lend you any money unless you put up your first born male child for collateral. And even then they won't accept him unless he's potty trained.

We as a nation are stuck in a vicious cycle. The only way to break this cycle is to spend money. Money we don't have. Money we hold on to from fear of losing our jobs. When we run out of family and friends for support, where will we turn next? I re-invented myself into a blogger. I write articles giving people advice. Some advice is serious and some is humorous. I have advertisers who I give space to on my blog. I receive a small percentage of sales that are generated from my blog. So far to date, I have made 0 dollars. Yet, I keep plugging along. I sit and write hoping for this recession to end. Retail sales are still down, unemployment is still rising, as are gas prices. I can only invent myself so many times. I am a casualty of this war. I was not a participant. I can only wait for the cease fire flag. Until then, I will continue to entertain you. If you find that I have done so, pass along my blog site to others who may also enjoy it. I am your humble servant, Ray.

New found respect for panic attack victims

2010-01-16T06:46:00.000-05:00

Hello readers, how are you? Do you know someone that suffers from panic attacks? Have you been in their company when an attack hits? Have you ever had a panic attack? It is not fun! And I can now say that from experience. I have an ear infection. I've been to see my doctor. She told me I have an ear infection. I already told her that! Wouldn't it be great if she could tell me something I don't know? Like, the winning lottery numbers? But anyway, she looked in my ear and told me it was inflamed and that there was wax up against my eardrum. No kidding, Is that why I can't hear? Is that why I feel like I'm underwater? This feeling of being underwater is not very comfortable. It feels like being buried alive. Not a good feeling to have at all. In fact, I've spent the last three days in a living hell trying to hear out of my left ear. I am experiencing panic attacks daily. Small, confined areas I must leave at once. If a room is too hot I must shed my clothing or sweat profusely. Being outside in cool air helps. Deep breathing helps a little. As I write this I have a small funnel stuck into my ear to help me hear. My wife says all I need is one in the other ear and I could be "Shreck!" I have no medication to calm me down. Boy, I wish I had some! I know there are lots of drugs to put me in a Cheshire cat smile stupor. But I have none. Vodka and orange juice seems to help but I can only do that for so long. So my ear will clear up, but I'll be an alcoholic. I can't win! It is awfully quiet when you can only hear out of one ear. Too quiet. I can honestly say that I can now fully sympathize with anyone that has panic attacks. I will no longer consider anyone that has them, "weak minded." I have new found respect. I am also wondering if deaf people have that same feeling of being buried alive. I can only imagine. So, today's advice is simple: next time you are around somebody with a panic or anxiety attack, don't consider that it might be an act or a way to get attention. These things are real and they are not fun.

"There's trouble right here in..........St. Cloud???"

2010-01-13T11:35:00.002-05:00

Remember that line from "The Music Man?" Well, it wasn't that line exactly, "trouble" was in River City not St. Cloud. But there was a man in St. Cloud who was looking for trouble. What he did and what he got falls short in my opinion.

I can think of one hundred ways to get into trouble. Coat yourself in honey and walk through the woods after bear hibernation season is over. Create a necklace out of sirloin steaks and wear it as you enter the lion cage at the zoo. Paint a target on your chest and stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery. Wear a fake "afro' wig and a "black power" Tee shirt to a KKK rally. Sell "Tupperware" door-to-door in Detroit. Attach two hundred helium balloons to your lawn chair and forget to load your BB gun. Go bird hunting with Dick Cheney. Fill your FORD "Pinto" up with gas and enter a demolition derby. Attempt to ride your ten-year-old daughter's bicycle off of your roof and onto the trampoline. Start up a chain saw. Claim, "Someone is cheating" during a card game being held in the back room of a gun shop after three cases of BUDWEISER has been consumed. Tell your wife she DOES look fat in THAT!!

So, back to the man in St. Cloud. He strolled into a TARGET store and mentioned to some employees that he was "looking to get into trouble." His idea of "trouble" was to grab a baseball bat from the sporting goods department, take a walk over to "Electronics" and open a can of "whoop-ass" on an unsuspecting 50" plasma T.V. The T.V. pressed charges and the man is happily in jail. I say happily because it is obvious that that's where he wanted to go. Hey, look at it this way: free room and board, three square meals a day and free cable. What may seem like insanity to some could be a way of avoiding homelessness to others. Well, I must be off. I'm heading to my local TARGET store for a dose of trouble. If there is no new article here tomorrrow, you'll know why.

A little help from my friends

2010-01-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

My brain is tired. Here I am into my third month of my new venture, blogging about this advice column and the well is running dry. My gray matter is black and I am finding it hard to put two words together. (not really, drama is an attention getter!) Oh, woe is me! What shall I write about today. If some of you out there have read the opening statement below my blog heading, you'll know that I invented this page as a man's answer to "Dear Abbey," thinking that I could answer people's problems as well as and if not better than Abbey herself. So far to date, I have answered three questions posed by readers.

One could easily "GOOGLE" any query and surf until you find your answer. If you were to ask me, I would do the same by gathering all the pertinent information and then presenting it to you in my own inimitable style. But apparently, nobody needs advice. Nobody has a problem that they could use a neutral suggestion to help solve. I don't believe that for one second. Isn't anybody out there curious to see just how well I can advise? Surely, one of you has thought to put me to the test. Well, until such time, I must resort to continuing what I have done since October: Providing you with humorous advice that most of you can use.

I would like to conduct an impromptu poll. This recession that we are currently stuck in the middle of has taken it's toll on many of us. You are currently reading my BIG idea. I cannot stay in one of the hardest hit sectors anymore, thus this column. I have my very own personal view as to why we are in this mess. Some blame irresponsible mortgage seekers getting in over their heads. Some blame "house flippers." Some blame banks, credit card lenders, and mortgage companies. Some blame the government and spending. Some blame corporate C.E.O. and their greed. Some blame health care costs. Being an entrepreneur, I kept a close eye on what was happening world-wide during the very first month's of 2007. I have been watching the dollar's value in comparison to oil prices per barrel very closely. Ever since 2003 and the devastating hurricanes that demolished most of Florida, retail gas prices have steadily climbed year after year. To have the price of a gallon of gas to go from a manageable $1.30 per gallon to $4.14 per gallon is in my opinion the reason for this recession. Consumers stopped spending on big ticket items because their monthly gas budget went through the roof. Higher gas prices meant higher food, construction and durable goods prices. A domino effect in-sued bringing us to where we are today. A "perfect storm" of financial calamity you might say. So, there you have it. My view is that high gas prices caused this recession. Do you agree or dis-agree? What are your own personal views of how we got into this mess? I welcome all comments and will show each and every one. I am curious as must most of the population be as to why this is upon us. Cast your vote and leave a comment. Thanks, Ray. Peace.

He should have gone on MATCH.COM instead.

2010-01-05T11:27:00.000-05:00

One has to pity poor Rodell Vereen (no relationship to Ben) because the man has it bad. He has a "love jones" so bad that he will spend the next three years in jail. The fire of passion burns hot inside this man so much so, that blind love has driven him to make love to the same female not once but twice. You may ask yourself, "and for this he will spend three years in jail," while the female in question has never formally lodged a complaint? Where is the justice?

In Mr. Vereen's defense, the object of his desire, a twenty-one year old filly named "Sugar" must be quite a looker to cause him to be so smitten. "Sugar's" parents thought Mr. Vereen would never be right for her but considered her friend "Ed" to be her perfect match. "Sugar's" parents also suspected that Mr. Vereen was taking liberties with her so they secretly installed a video camera to catch Mr. Vereen in the love making act. When "Sugar's" parents fears were realized at the horrifying sight that the video camera recorded, they went straight to the police and logged a complaint. The charge: BUGGERY! No, that does not mean the improper handling of a buggy; it means," having sex with an animal," in this case a horse! That's right, "Sugar" is a horse.

According to "Sugar's" handlers, she is depressed and heart broken because Mr. Vereen never calls and did not follow through on his promise to ride her to Niagara Falls. CLICK HERE to read the story and view a picture of this equine Casanova. Men! Sometimes their knuckles still scrape the ground.

Advice For Men: How To Be Friends With A Woman

2010-01-02T14:01:00.004-05:00

Men, do you have enough friends to fill a stadium, but when it comes to being friends with a woman you are clueless as to what to do? Read on for some helpful tips. If being friends with a woman is not on your agenda, go back to watching the football game and feed the dog. For those of you who are still reading, here we go!

Being friends with a woman isn't that much different than being friends with your guy buddies. There is a slightly different set of rules and you will have to open your mind to trying different things. First, the rules:
1) RESPECT.
If you are to be friends with a woman, you must show her the same amount, if not more respect than what you would show to men. If you respect a woman, she will be more apt to consider you as a friend. You will have to tone down the crude sexual references, vulgar language and female ogling that you normally share with your guy friends. Oh, and constantly dragging up female conquests of the past is not a good topic for conversation. Unless she specifically asks you to spill the beans about past liaisons to fulfill her own curiosity, stay off the subject. This goes for you married men as well. And if you think that by comparing your current female companion to past companions, in an effort to show the current one that she is superior in every way, FORGET IT! You may mean well, but THEY just don't get it. In their minds, any comparisons are an affront to them and their confidence as a woman. If you think that she's fantastic, just say it. If you are just casually dating and make plans to meet somewhere, be on time. Women also have boundaries that should not be crossed until she gives you the green light. Until such time, respect those boundaries as you would a RED light. A woman will match the respect that you give her in return. If the woman that you'd like to be friends with is your wife, respect should be an ongoing thing. Opening doors for her is such a small gesture, but you'd do the same for your guy friends wouldn't you? Don't expect a woman to share all of her secrets with you either. Women cherish their privacy, respect that too. If a woman shares more with you than she shares with her girl friends, consider yourself honored: you are a good friend!

2) JUST LISTEN!!
One key to being best friends with a woman is to just listen to her. You listen when your guy friends talk about what's happening, give a woman the same courtesy. Yes, her topics might seem strange and yes, her concerns might seem trivial to you and yes, her point of view may be different from what your guy friends' are but these things are not that hard to understand and they are what makes us grow as humans. If you are not the best conversationalist in the world then just listen. Being a sounding board for a woman shows her that you care. This will endear you to her. She will want to be your friend. Try not to be judgmental or get pulled into a gossip trap. She may be testing you. Be a stand-up guy and rise above. She will respect you all the more. You may get an earful of concerns or problems that you have no prior experience in solving. Don't try, you'll most likely get it wrong. Just listen. Women need to vent and sometimes they are venting about men. Open up your mind to see her point of view and you may find your best friend in a woman.

3) ACTIVITIES, ACTIVITIES.
"LET'S GET READY TO...............go shopping?" "Opposite sex" most times also means opposite ideas of entertainment. If your girlfriend/wife likes NASCAR, boxing, football, hunting, fishing, power tools and female mud wrestling, check her birth certificate. She's a MAN! If, in fact, there are no visible scars to the contrary, consider yourself lucky! The rest of us need to be more open minded. This will also be required of your potential female friend candidate. The easiest thing for both you and your lady friend to do is to make two separate lists. One will list all the activities that each of you love to do or are at least willing to try. The other list should contain every activity that you hate or wouldn't even consider trying. Make both lists broad and encompassing. When you're through, compare lists. You HAVE TO have some things in common, or are at least willing to try. I used to be a decent dart player, so I recently put up a dart board. I invited my wife to try it. She informed me that she wasn't ANY GOOD at it. We've played TWICE now and she's already beaten me once! I think she's a "ringer." Sorry, I digress. Guys, you have no idea what activities she may be interested in participating with you until you ask. Same goes for you. Put your "macho" image aside, and try cooking together. Go shopping with her. Grab her by the hand and take her for a long walk. Buy her a rod, reel and tackle box and take her fishing with you. If fishing is not her thing, just let her steer the boat. If you have both decided to partake in sports, try NOT to be so competitive. It won't kill you to lose once in a while. Oh, and NOBODY LIKES a sore loser. Not even your GUY friends. Encourage her and congratulate her when she wins. You do THAT with your guy friends too, don't you? Give her the same.

4) AFFECTION.
No, you fool, do NOT put her in a headlock and give her "noogies!" Nope, not a "wedgie" either. And don't even THINK about snapping a towel at her butt. Show her real affection. Make sure not to illegally cross any boundaries (see above) and always respect her (also see above). If your friendship with a woman is strictly platonic, be careful to gauge your affection accordingly. Consider this too when involved in a friendly, professional relationship. If you seek to be best friends with your wife or girlfriend, affection is the best way to start. I strongly and personally believe that you can't truly love someone who could never qualify as your best friend. When you fall in love with your best friend, there is no better feeling in the world.

If this advice helps you and enlightens you as a man, pass it along. We can use as much help as we can get.

MORE MEN BEHAVING BADLY

2009-12-31T12:21:00.000-05:00

Whenever I'm feeling sad I can always rely on a quick search of the web to find human interest stories to pick me up and supply a laugh or two. Sometimes three. If I were to merely recount these stories to you without providing a link to them, you might find it hard to believe I am telling the truth. So, I will do so that you may gaze upon the printed words yourself so you will know that I couldn't possibly fabricate such silliness. I have put together five examples of men being the wacky animals that they are in hopes of educating other men not to follow in disoriented footsteps. In plain English, "don't do anymore dumb things."

Our first story of men without clues comes from Florida of all places. Florida is a fascinating place to begin with let alone the wealth of stupidity that flows from it. People continue to line the shore with houses that don't mix well with wind and water just to get that even tan. I think Florida should qualify as it's own unique country, because it is definitely different from the rest of us. Case in point: If you are a thirty-seven year old guy named Gregory J. Oras you will never work for a fortune 500 company even if you lived to be as old as "Methuselah." Why? Look, I have nothing against tattoos and freedom of self-expression but when you allow your FACE to be inked, at least choose an illustration that was generated by someone WITH SOME DEGREE OF ARTISTIC TALENT! Oh, and make sure you have adequate lighting and a MIRROR nearby too. But these are the least of his problems. When you make a career defining decision to call 911 from the bar you've been drinking at all day to report that you have been beaten up AND that people are shooting at you, that is not a crime. BUT, when you tell tall tales just because you think that the officers arriving to help you are merely there to supply you with a FREE RIDE to the NEXT BAR, you are going to have some 'splaning to do, LUCY!! Oh, and kicking a Pinellas County sheriff's deputy in the knees is definitely not going to get you that ride. You will though, get a ride to jail. CLICK HERE to see for yourself why you should never design your own tattoos. Let's move on, shall we?

Pet owners are an amazing breed. The lengths they will go to to ensure that their pets are happy and healthy always impresses me. Buy sadly, we can't always be around to protect them from hunger, thirst, flees, natural predators or WACKY ROOMMATES. A 22-year-old Lincoln, Nebraska man named Richard Anderson is just such a roommate. Apparently, he must have been very bored the day that he placed his roommate's cat, "Delilah" into their shared washing machine, for a little SPIN. What a MISTAKE! EVERYBODY knows that cats are capable of washing themselves, and that drying themselves off is where they need some help. He should have put Delilah in the dryer instead. (just kidding......like you weren't thinking the same thing?)
See, this is why YOUTUBE is a dangerous thing. Mr. Anderson videoed Delilah's spin cycle to his cell phone and don't you think his roommate was upset when he found it? Absolutely. Mr. Anderson was cited for animal cruelty. CLICK HERE to see the cleanest cat alive. If you should come home one day to see your cat running in circles, you'll know why.

Say you're a 54-year-old guy living in the sleepy town of Harrisburg and you decide to stroll over to MacEnzi's bar and grill on a Saturday night. No harm in that, right? You have a few beers and chat with the bartender. You have a few more beers and still the bartender is listening attentively. You have yet a few more beers then decide to go home. When you get home you realize that you forgot something and trek on back to the bar 25 minutes later with a beanie pulled over your face. You grab the bank bag containing the evenings cash sales, shove the bartender for good measure and flee. No one will ever know it's you. WRONG! The accommodations at the Linn County jail are nowhere near as nice as MacEnzi's. CLICK HERE to face a third degree robbery charge.

Our next story concerns man and his eternal love of nature. Some guys are just big ole pussycats in disguise like Joel Borden of Clarksville, Tennessee. He's a nature lover yes indeed! One morning while in his kitchen drinking coffee, he is fortunate enough to see a deer roaming through his yard. They are such timid and wondrous creatures aren't they. Surely, Joel can appreciate that. But wait.......this deer seems to be injured, shot by some heartless hunter who doesn't appreciate nature like me, you, and Joel. Joel realizes he must do something and quick. This poor deer may be dying and he has no time to put on his pants, shirt or shoes. No sir, in times like this one's personal comfort must be abandoned. So, Joel races out his back door only in his boxers and sandals, chases the wounded deer into the woods, knocks it unconscious with a TREE LIMB AND SLITS IT'S THROAT. I guess nursing it back to health was not an option. CLICK HERE for some fresh venison.

Our final story of men behaving badly takes us back to (you guessed it) Florida. Throughout history, certain men have come forth to be the great teachers that the rest of society needs. We have looked to these men for guidance, wisdom and answers. That service that men provide is still being observed today. One such pillar of wisdom is 39-year-old Christopher Fred Cady of ST. Lucie county. He came up with a novel idea of how to set an example. Apparently, a boy who received a BB pellet gun for Christmas, shot his autistic cousin with the same gun. No one knows if it was by accident or if the target shaped birthmark atop his cousin's head had any influence over the incident. Nevertheless, Mr. Cady was determined to show the child just how wrong it is to shoot someone. So, Mr. Cady did what any intelligent 39-year-old would have done: He took the pellet gun and shot the kid in the chest to "try and teach him a lesson." Ironically, Mr. Cady was the one who got a lesson. He was charged with cruelty towards a child without great harm and is being held on $500.00 bond. Oh, and to show just how much of a caring adult he is towards children, he was also charged with violating SEX OFFENDER LAWS by failing to report a name or residence change. CLICK HERE to know that we can all sleep better at night knowing someone won't be doing any parenting for awhile.

ADVICE FOR ALL: ALTERNATIVE CARE FOR AILING LOVED ONES.

2009-12-30T09:22:00.001-05:00

People get sick. It's a fact of life. We get colds and the flu and suffer through it until the virus runs its course and leaves us. Those ailments are generally not life threatening. But what about those illnesses where our bodies betray us? The "terminal" illnesses. The illnesses that make us weak, bedridden and slowly rob us of our quality of life. When people have lost all hope, when doctors are helpless, is when it is time to provide as much comfort as possible for those whose days are short. Languishing away in a hospital bed seems to me to be the worst option. There is an alternative: Hospice.

Hospice care is available for those who choose to live out their remaining days in the comfort of their home surrounded by their loved ones. The same care is provided to those who are in nursing homes or assisted living situations. Hospice care is for those individuals who no longer need aggressive care but who are in need of comfort care. Hospice care will treat a patient's symptoms that inhibit their quality of life, including managing their pain.

Each patient will normally get a case manager, usually a registered nurse who has been trained in hospice care. The hospice nurse works closely with the patient and their doctor to ensure that all the patient's needs are met. Most hospice services attach a team of helpers to assist the hospice nurse. A nurse will have social workers, aids who will make sure the patient is clean and kept comfortable, and spiritual care to assist the families of patients and the patients themselves. Good hearted folks will volunteer their time to visit with hospice patients to sit and keep them company, sometimes shop for groceries or join patients who would like to pass some time by taking part in light arts and crafts. Most hospice services will also provide 24 hour on-call services in case of emergency.

If someone you know and love has reached the end of their life and you feel that their last days should be spent in the comfort of their home where loved ones can visit anytime, consider hospice. Hospice care in most cases is provided free of charge.

ARE WE LIVING IN THE "UNITED STATES?"

2009-12-28T12:37:00.001-05:00

Politics and religion; aren't those the taboo subjects we are not supposed to discuss in certain company? Well, etiquette be damned, I'm going to talk about one of them!

One hundred and fifty years ago, a war tore most of this country apart. True, even though roughly twenty percent of the country, and mainly the eastern most states were involved, it is a part of history that the descendants of early Americans would like to forget. Basically, the same way Eddie Murphy would like to forget "Pluto Nash." It was embarrassing and caused a lot of pain.

But time heals all wounds and we live in the "United States." Or do we? It is obvious for the whole wide world to see that there is a war going on. Where? The United States. Who is it being fought by? Left versus right. Democrat versus Republican. Liberal versus conservative. Abortion rights activists versus non-abortion rights activists. Black versus white. Rich versus poor. Doves versus hawks. Red states versus blue. Have I left anybody out? Coke versus Pepsi and boxers versus briefs. There, I think that covers everyone.

The one truly great accomplishment of our time, electing a man of "color" to our countries top job, should have united us. Instead, it further divides us. Fingers point every where, blame gets laid. Talking head conservatives pass off their opinions as news. They stir things up, further fueling the divide. The "liberal media" claims it doesn't exist. Groups of people are banding together, arming themselves and plotting to take over. It's a mess! This country is a mess. We are spiraling downward, free falling into self-destruction just like the Romans. The line is drawn and people are taking sides. One hundred and fifty years ago, people also took sides. Remember how that ended? Has history taught us nothing? Why did it take the tragedy of 911 to briefly unite us? Will we be at each others throats' when the next big event hits? Will we be so involved in tearing this country to pieces that we won't notice outside forces trying to accomplish the same thing?

If this country is supposed to be inhabited by folks of religious conviction with the universal suggestion that we should all "love thy neighbor" (and I DO remember THAT from my seven years of catholic school), then some or most of us are hypocrites. Kill or lie about thy neighbor seems to be more like it. I am appalled and so should the rest of you be. Look, we can't ALL fit in Australia. We have a perfectly good piece of land right here. Put down your weapons and let's call a truce. If not for ourselves, than at least for our children. Will it be fair to them to inherit a burnt out shell of a country? I used to be proud to be an American. I can only whisper it now. When will I be able to shout it? Peace.

X-MAS CARDS AND THE POST OFFICE

2009-12-24T11:04:00.001-05:00

I received another Christmas card in the mail the other day. I appreciated the time it took for this person to have to physically go to the store, purchase it, drive home, address it, write a little note in it, stamp it, then either drop it off at the post office or stick it in their mailbox. WHEW! That's a lot of work just to perform a simple task. I appreciate the thought. But for me, X-mas cards are a double edged sword. First, being an agnostic, my view of what this holiday season means may not be the view shared by others. This feeling of holiday cheer and good will should be felt and demonstrated year long and not come upon us beginning the Friday after Thanksgiving and ending on new years day. But I digress. Back to the cards. So I have this collection of cards. With every new card that comes I feel more guilty about not sending out my own set of cards, or at least reciprocating to the ones I got. This guilty feeling sucks. It really puts a damper on my X-mas spirit. And then there are the cards I get from folks I haven't heard a peep from all year long. What am I supposed to think here? They only think of me once a year? A verbal conversation is not allowed? A ten minute phone call exchanging pleasantries would have better demonstrated that they really care versus two lines in a card. Please don't view my comments as ungrateful; I take friendships very seriously and value each and every one. But to think of me only at Christmas seems a bit hypocritical. I think some people view X-mas cards as some sort of moral status. "Gee, if I send out two hundred Christmas cards, I MUST have lots of friends and be so well liked!" I call it the FACEBOOK syndrome. Thinking that you are so popular because you have 642 friends. But how many of those friends would come by to lend a hand on "moving day?" Just as I thought. And how about those press release diatribes that people send out, detailing every single thing that is happening in their lives. A Christmas "form letter!" Talk about impersonal! My advice: forget the cards and pick up the phone. You remember the phone don't you? It was the thing we used to communicate with before "email" came along. Call the people you haven't seen or spoken to all year. Ask how they are. Ask how their children are. Ask how their parents, brothers and sisters are. Tell them what is going on in your life and ask them the same. Say, "it was good talking to you and I wish you well." An "I love you" wouldn't hurt either.

While I'm on the subject of cards, lets talk about the post office. An American institution in constant ridicule. Post office personnel have the second most thankless job on the planet right behind teachers. Look, their job is very stressful. Imagine being responsible for moving ton upon ton of mail every day. And how do we thank them? We make jokes about "going postal." Ask yourself this: Is there anyone I know that will come to my house, take a letter from me, carry it clear across the country and hand deliver it to someone of my choosing? No one? How about one of your 642 friends on FACEBOOK? And don't get me started about ALL the people who complain about the price of a stamp. Do you think that YOU could physically hand deliver a letter to someone 3,000 miles away for less than 44 cents? Well guess what? People do it for you day after day, no matter what the weather is or where they're going. And they never ask for a "thank you" either. Isn't it amazing the people and things we take for granted? So, the next time you're standing in line at the post office waiting to buy your stamps and the person either behind or in front of you comments about the HIGH PRICE, remind them of our little conversation. And realize one more thing: With email gaining momentum as the preferred method of mail delivery, it's only a matter of time before your mail man or mail woman is out of a job. More stress to add to an already stressful job. Be glad of who you are.
Happy holidays to everyone and peace to all that need it.

THE ABSOLUTE BEST ADVICE YOU WILL RECEIVE ALL YEAR!!!

2009-12-22T13:27:00.004-05:00

The above title says it all. The following advice that I am about to give to all of you reading this right now is the BEST you will receive all year. But before I spill the beans, I must first disclose it's origin.

On November 1st of this year I was engaged in a telephone conversation with my mother. Because she is alone and I am concerned for her, we often speak on the phone. The conversation was going its usual way until she mentioned something she had seen on a T.V. sitcom. According to her, an actor on this certain sitcom made a statement, one she thought she had never heard before. The actor said to his sitcom wife that she should unplug the toaster once she had finished using it. The actress asked why. The actor responded that although the appliance was no longer turned on, the mere fact that it was still plugged in meant that the appliance was still drawing current. At that point I am unsure as to what the next exchange was due to the fact that my mother was recounting it. Mom asked me if I had ever heard of this before and then informed me that SHE had pulled practically every plug in her apartment. She then went on to tell me how her ELECTRIC BILL HAD BEEN REDUCED BY HALF since she started this practice. I ran her words around inside my head. I had never heard of such a thing. Even with my knowledge of electricity, having owned a home remodeling business for years, these statements were very new and puzzling. I honestly thought mom had "lost it." I thoroughly questioned her on every aspect of life in her apartment and if she had changed anything else in addition to "unplugging." She assured me she had not. At that point, I realized the only way to prove her claims was to see for myself. I decided on that day, November 1st, to unplug every cord in the house. I left two plugged in: the two behind our bed's headboard, the ones that power our digital alarm clocks. They were too inconvenient to access. The only other things plugged in were mine and my wife's computers, the battery charger to a power screwdriver and the battery charger to a small beard and mustache trimmer.

And then I waited. I made sure to unplug everything immediately after using it. When our monthly electric bill arrived, I was shocked. Because the bill reflects electric usage from mid-month to mid-month, I could only view the results of exactly 16 days worth of unplugging. According to the bill, dated November 18, 2009, the total kilowatt hours used between 10/20 and 11/16 amounted to 882. THAT wasn't the amazing thing. The AMAZING thing was LAST YEAR'S record of usage for the exact same time period (drum roll please) 1,223. AND don't forget that November's bill reflected only 16 days of my unplugging task. A whole month's worth would really reflect my savings.

Now, some of you may be skeptical. But I assure you that the same living conditions, habits, days at home, and thermostat heating temperatures had not changed from year to year. Today, December 22, I received the electric bill for the period 11/16 to 12/16. The total kilowatt usage for this period is 1,376. And as I write this and view the kilowatt usage for the exact same time period last year, I am amazed. Last year's total: 1,680. A difference of over 300 kilowatt hours. In dollars this amounts to roughly a $25.00 savings over last year's bill for December. I expect all following bills to be greatly reduced also.

Now comes the question: WHY ISN'T THIS INFORMATION PRINTED IN GIANT BOLD LETTERS ON EVERY ELECTRIC BILL MAILED IN THIS COUNTRY? Why isn't this money saving, energy saving tip splashed all over the T.V. and newspapers? Why hasn't President Obama held a national press conference telling each and every one of us how easily we can save a SIGNIFICANT amount of money on our electric bills? Maybe he doesn't know. Maybe somebody should tell him. But then, it's easy to see why the electric companies keep this little tidbit of information from us. Imagine the lost revenue incurred by them if every person could cut $20 to $30 from their electric bill.

I intend to shout this information from the highest mountain. HALLELUJAH!! LOWER BILLS AT LAST, LOWER BILLS AT LAST!! Join me America in spreading the good word. Send folks you know here to read this for themselves. Comment on this article if you already know this information. Start an email chain telling everyone how to pocket some extra cash in these hard times. Let's get Congress to pass a bill that all electric companies must publish this TIP on every bill to every customer. If we need a GREEN solution, there is no better one that I can think of. Thank you for your time. Ray.

ADVICE TO WOMEN: RUN, HIDE, GET AWAY, FLEE, SEEK SAFETY, IF YOU THINK YOU MAY BE IN DANGER

2009-12-21T13:44:00.001-05:00

Unless you live in a cave (with no satellite) then you have no doubt seen the news reports about a missing Utah woman. The one whose husband is now considered,"a person of interest" to police investigators. Actually, that is code for, "we know he killed her, we just need some more evidence before we can nail the S.O.B!" IS ANYONE SURPRISED?? Especially now that a family friend has stated on live T.V. that Susan Powell, the missing woman, was considering a divorce to break free from a controlling marriage. Remember that clown Peterson, the cop who was married four times? And each time a wife came up dead or missing, the fingers all pointed to him. Ladies, if you are married to a guy that does not treat you like anything other than royalty and you want to leave, then RUN, DRIVE, FLY, SPEEDILY, FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HIM AND FIND PROTECTION FOR YOURSELF AND/OR YOUR CHILDREN. I can't stress this enough. If you have a thimble full of inkling that your husband is capable of anything less than litigation, then you need to get out. Don't think twice, don't confide in friends, don't leave notes about how concerned you are about your safety and NEVER EVER tell your husband that you plan to leave him. You have no clue what he is capable of, especially from the controlling type. He'd rather see you dead then not be able to control you anymore.

CLICK HERE to read the latest on this story. If, as a woman, you think this scenario can't happen you you, think again. Better to be free and safe than sorry.

ADVICE FOR ALL: THEY'RE ONLY A THREAT IF YOU INVITE THEM IN!

2009-12-20T11:20:00.001-05:00

If you think the title of this article refers to terrorists who come over to this country to visit and stay, then you are sadly mistaken. I am referring to a more flamboyant group of individuals, VAMPIRES! That's right, those pale skinned folk who always dress in black. And, as the title suggests, you have to invite them into your home before they can wreck havoc on your throat.

And that's the problem with vampires, they are not very discreet. For people who have much to hide, they sure give a lot away. Take America's first mainstream film vampire, "Dracula" for example. Bela Lugosi, who played the "Count" used to tell folks all the time, "I VANT to suck your blood!" He really let the dogs out on that one. Hey, don't be shy, tell us what your plans are. Not very bright. Like, after that statement we'd just draw a target around our jugulars and say, "have at it." And what's with the black wardrobe all the time? Don't they know what a faux pas it is to wear black after Easter? And TOO much glitter doesn't look good on ANYBODY, let alone the "undead."

Why do vampires insist on telling us they're vampires? Does everyone have to come out of the closet? I don't go around telling everyone, "I'm not a vampire," do I? Vampires have to be discreet or else we'll know that they are different from us. VERY DIFFERENT!! A guy named "Rocky Flash," is just such an individual. (not his real name) and not to be confused with, "Rocky Graziano," Rocky Balboa," "Rocky and Bullwinkle," or "Rocky" relationships. Why? Because "Rocky Flash" is the self-confessed leader of the "Vampyre Nation," that's why! Another guy who can't keep a secret. And why should anybody know his name at all or even care? Because this lunatic moron threatened a judge with dismemberment and impalement and not necessarily in that order. This is what happens when mentally unstable, society skill-lacking, self absorbed, delusions of grandeur, attention seeking losers come out of their basements. CLICK HERE to read this hysterical story for yourselves. My advice to all would-be vampires: Forget this "Twilight" nonsense and go watch "Sherlock Holmes" instead.

ADVICE FOR ALL: UNDERSTANDING TELL-TALE SIGNS

2009-12-18T12:54:00.000-05:00

Money is an amazing thing. Money buys you a five cent piece of gum or it buys you unlimited power and influence. Money will also buy you an education. How well you use that education depends on many things. Geographic location, culture, access to literature and fine arts and your innate level of intelligence determined at birth are all contributing factors. Unfortunately for some, all or most of those factors are lacking which sometimes makes navigating through life a little difficult. Things that might seem crystal clear to some may be blurred or confusing to others.

Take for example, the ability to know when someone has left this world. That observation may seem like a task that cannot be mistaken, but apparently there are those among us who were short changed in the aforementioned education department. For that specific group I will now list certain signs that a loved one has departed.

1) Loss of appetite
2) Inability to hold a conversation
3) Fails to laugh at "American Idol" tryouts
4) Won't say, "bless you" after you sneeze
5) Personal hygiene is no longer a concern
6) Refuses to answer the phone
7) Forces you to guess what they want on their pizza
8) Shows little sign of joy when children or grandchildren come to visit
9) Will sit for hours listening to visiting Jehovah witnesses
10) Refuses to file income taxes

Some or all of these signs can be ignored by people in the general vicinity of a deceased person who have failed to reach a certain level of intelligence. CLICK HERE to read about just such people. I only wish I had published this article say, eight months ago. I could have spared many people the responsibility of guessing.

ADVICE FOR WOMEN: AVOID THIS MISTAKE.

2009-12-17T13:32:00.000-05:00

If you're a reader of this blog, by now you may know my opinion of men. I blame them for most of the world's strife and for not striving to become better human beings. But, not all men fall into these categories. Time nor space allows me to name all the good men on the planet but each and every one of us knows one or more. As time passes and I grow older and hopefully wiser, I have noticed a condition or set of circumstances that contribute or cause families to break down and fall apart. I have watched couples that I have known through the years grow further apart and ultimately divorce. I believe I have uncovered a universal root cause: Women tend to ignore their husbands when children are added to a relationship. If your view of women is of the caretaker, then this is a natural thing and should not be looked upon as a fault. In general, women spend much more time with their children unless they have a stay at home dad and the wife is the main provider. Unfortunately, in today's society, both mother and father need to work to support a family. Back to the subject at hand. Of the couple's I have known, in every single instance where divorce divided the family, one key ingredient was always missing: true, unquestionable, love. They never truly loved each other. Most were high school sweethearts that thought marriage was the next logical step in their relationship. But the love we experience when we're young isn't always strong enough to keep a relationship going when kids are thrown into the mix. Couple the fact that most men are selfish and self-centered with a wife whose children demand most of her attention and time, and it's no wonder most men feel ignored and useless. They distance themselves from the family, spend time with their buddies or go off on their own, counting the days until they can leave.

I am not pointing the finger of blame at any one person. I am merely stating the obvious. Men need to take more of an active role in raising children. If a marriage is a partnership then both parents should work in unison. If a man comes home from work after a long day, drops himself on the couch and gets sucked into the T.V. set, he's going to miss out on a lot. By the same token, a woman needs to divide her time between her children and her man. But, some men are already absent from the relationship by the time the kids come along. No amount of attention or inclusion is going to make them stay. Here is where that initial bond of true love comes into play. If it wasn't there in the beginning, and the kids take all of mommy's time, the relationship is doomed. Another big mistake that women make is thinking that by adding some children into a "rocky" marriage, they will be the cement that binds them. This action can go either way, but in every scenario that I have seen this happen, the results were always the same: A long, loveless marriage where the kids are the pawns and suffer in the end.

So, my advice is plain: Marry someone that you are truly in love with. Let children be the result of that love. Let the job of raising them be a joint effort and never take your partner for granted.

ADVICE FOR ALL: A LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT.

2009-12-15T12:15:00.002-05:00

Occasionally, I have been known to write articles purely of a humorous nature but the tone of this article is of a serious one. As I grow older and time slips by, I realize that I don't have a last will and testament in place. I don't plan on getting hit by a bus in the near future, but I realize fate has a habit of changing even the best laid plans. After doing much research on the subject, I am prepared to share with you, the reader, what I have learned.

You may ask, "why have a will at all?" To answer that question, a will can protect your assets and minimizes the chances of a contest over your estate. If you die without one, your estate may not be distributed as you choose. A will provides for your family, specifies whom you would like to receive your property, outlines your funeral and burial instructions, creates a trust and/or names a guardian for minor children and specifies who you disinherit.

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT WILLS
a) You do not need an attorney to create a will
b) Your will does not have to be notarized (except in Louisiana)
c) Any person over the age of majority and of sound mind can draft his or her own will

REQUIREMENTS FOR CREATION OF A WILL
a) The testator (creator) of the will must clearly identify himself or herself as the maker of the will whereby creation or "publication" of a will is typically satisfied by the words "last will and testament" on the face of the document
b) The testator declares that all previous wills and codicils are revoked. Destroying all copies of old wills is highly recommended
c) The testator must state that he or she has the capacity to dispose of his or her property and does so freely and willingly
d) The testator must properly sign and date their will. To do so, the will must be signed in the presence of at least two witnesses, but three are recommended. The state of Vermont requires this. Witnesses must be at least eighteen years of age but should not be a beneficiary of said will. It is not recommended that a spouse or children serve as witnesses either. Ideally, anyone who is or can be a beneficiary should not be considered a witness to a will signing.
e) The testator must sign the absolute bottom or end of a will. No lines or spaces should follow a signature. If this is not the case, any text following the signature will be ignored or the entire will may become invalidated
f) Witnesses must be in your immediate presence, must observe your actual signing of the will, and all the witnesses must observe the other witnesses signing the will. ALL WITNESSES MUST SIGN YOUR
WILL
g) You do not need to read your will to them and it is unnecessary for them to read it. However, they must clearly understand that this is your last will and testament and that you intend for the document to function as your will upon your death

Married couples should create two wills that mirror each other and name the same alternate beneficiaries, executors, guardians and trustees.

ADVICE FOR ALL: DON'T MISUSE YOUR COLON.

2009-12-13T12:43:00.000-05:00

I am not a Doctor but I am aware of the hazards of not taking care when it comes to certain functions. Misusing or abusing something day in and day out is a recipe for disaster. Not only do you suffer, but those around you who love you and care for you also suffer. Today, considering the ease of accessing volumes of information, I constantly see people misusing and abusing a part of life's daily function: your colon. For those of you who have never seen your colon, here is what it looks like : I know some of you are thinking, "I've seen that before but I never knew what it did," and you are not alone. Most people have NEVER seen their colon, let alone how to use it properly. On the other hand, some folks use it too often AND incorrectly, causing pain and discomfort for the rest of us. There is over-the-counter literature you can obtain without a prescription which will tell you the correct dosage of your colon. To save time and as a service to all my readers, I will now provide that information. Webster's New World Dictionary describes your colon as such: a mark of punctuation used before a long quotation, explanation, example, series, etc., and after the salutation of a long letter. Some of you may be scratching your heads at this point from all the confusion so I am prepared to demonstrate one proper use of your colon. Example: "Some people say that I am (:) an idiot, a moron, nonsensical and stupid!" There, see how I used my colon to describe myself? Good, let's move on. Your colon can also be used after the salutation of a long letter. Example:
Dear cousin Bruno (:)
I hope you received the five large I sent you to whack my (expletive) wife. That (expletive) woman needs to die, and her (expletive) boyfriend. Don't forget to make it look like an accident. Give your mom and dad a hug and kiss for me,
your cousin so-and-so...
There, see how I used my colon in a letter? All too often people misuse their colon and sometimes confuse it with their semi-colon. Yes, it's true! For those of you who have never seen your semi-colon, here is what it looks like: ; See how easy it is to confuse the two? Webster's New World Dictionary describes your semi-colon as such: a mark of punctuation indicating a degree of separation greater than that marked by the comma. Boy, is that confusing! I will now attempt to show you an example of how to use your semi-colon:
"I'm sure I have better things to do all day than to sit here and read this nonsense(;) I should just go and whack my cousin's (expletive) wife." There, see how easily I used your semi-colon in a sentence. Don't forget that it takes the place of a comma; and you all know what a comma is: when you go to sleep for a long time and don't wake up. I hope I have been a help. Ray.

ADVICE FOR MEN: HOW TO STAY ALIVE

2009-12-11T14:34:00.001-05:00

I am sorry that it has to come to this but men die needlessly every day and I feel it is my civic duty to offer my advice. The following does not apply to all men, but to those who need it, you know who you are.

NATURAL DISASTERS
         1) Floods
          If you are driving down the road and come upon a large volume of water rushing over the blacktop before you, immediately stop the car. Open up the driver's door and get out. Walk to the front of your car. Look left, look right, estimate the depth and speed of the water, scratch the top of your head and get back into your car. TURN THE CAR AROUND AND GO BACK THE WAY YOU CAME!
         2) Hurricanes heading inland.
          Yes, the waves are big and the wind IS really blowing. Now is not the time for a walk on the beach.
And PUT DOWN THAT SURFBOARD, are you insane? No fishing either, Einstein!
          3) Earthquakes.
           Put down the video camera and get out of the house.
         4) Massive snow fall.
           DO NOT TIE THAT SLED TO THE BACK OF YOUR CAR! Or the toboggan. Or the red wagon. Nope, not the bicycle either. And no, especially NOT the kids. In fact, get out of the car. Everything is closed, you have nowhere to go. STAY OFF THE ROOF!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PET.
          1) A feeding rottweiler
          2) A polar bear
          3) A grizzly bear
          4) Okay, ANY friggin' bear!
          5) Any feline larger than "Garfield"
          6) A rattle snake
          7) A skunk
          8) A porcupine
          9) Any shark
         10) Your boss's wife at the company Christmas party

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER ATTEMPT
          1) Bank robbery
          2) Mountain climbing
          3) Bungee jumping at the traveling amusement park
          4) Trying to outrun the TEN patrol cars chasing you
          5) Trying to jump your daughter's "banana" bike over your neighbor's car using homemade wooden ramps while drunk
          6) Adding another outlet into the living room wall to power your new 52" flat screen T.V. while the power is still on
          7) Putting out your house fire with the garden hose
          8) Climbing the tallest tree in the back yard to hang the tire swing
          9) Lighting the charcoal grill with anything other than charcoal lighter. And NOT the whole can, fool!

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY.
          1) "I just can't quit you," at a cowboy convention
          2) " Hey, watch this!"
          3) "Yes, you DO look fat in that!"
          4) "Don't worry honey, your sister will never find out"
          5) "Harleys are for sissys" at a "biker" bar.
          6) "I THINK we have enough gas to get to Vegas," as you pass the "last chance gas" station.
          7) "I have a dream," at a KKK rally.
          8) "Is it alright if I pet you?" to your boss's wife at the company Christmas party. (See above)

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT
          1) Anything your wife cooks after finding out about you and her sister
          2) Anything on fire
          3) Anything you find behind the front seat of your pick-up truck
          4) Yellow snow (even on a dare!)
          5) Anything Scottish
          6) Anything from your friend's garden--the one who lives next to the textile factory
          7) Anything your friend "Ozzie" bakes
          8) Potted meat

          I hope this helps. If I can save a life, then I've done my job.

ADVICE TO ALL BIGFOOT EXPERTS: WE'RE ON TO YOU!

2009-12-09T15:56:00.002-05:00

Today I had an epiphany while watching "weird news" videos on MSN. The question that has vexed me for so long was finally answered: Why are there "BIGFOOT" sightings? Because certain WHACKO people crave attention. Case in point.

Recently, in San Antonio, Texas (trouble already) an anonymous caller told police (hint #1) that a "large and tall, hairy creature was spotted dragging a dear carcass into the woods." The caller gave a small stretch of woods right next to highway 1604 as the location of the sighting. According to the news woman handling the story, police "found nothing" along the path that the caller described, (hint #2.) BUT WAIT! Seemingly out of nowhere pops up Rick Tullos, head of (get this) "The Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization" complete with logo patch on his hat and camouflage jacket, (hint #3.) We spend the next 30 seconds watching Rick and the news woman walking through the woods looking for clues. As they are walking along a path not TEN FEET from busy highway 1604 with cars whizzing by, the news woman looks down to see a pile of manure right before her.
"Is this from the creature?" she asks Rick. As the cameraman zooms in for a closeup of the mysterious manure, Rick says, "Nope. Cow pie." WHAT!! ARE YOU INSANE?? Cows walking along an UN-FENCED strip of grass right next to a busy highway. I don't think so. I think Rick almost stepped in what he's selling! But Rick isn't done garnering attention just yet. Lo and behold, Rick stumbles upon tracks that according to him, "don't seem human!" (hint #4) Nope, he'll analyze the tracks and "hopefully find some more" as he puts it. At this point the cameraman zooms in on what looks like ruts in the grass and underbrush. They looked nothing like tracks to me. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone who's responsible for this bit of shenanigans don't you? Everybody needs a hobby. Some collect stamps. Others collect baseball cards while others travel the country looking for elusive creatures that THEY invent. All for a little attention. Now, if you want some REAL attention, cheat on your wife!

DR. SEUSS HAD IT RIGHT ALL ALONG

2009-12-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

Is it December already? I must not have been paying attention. I must have missed the covert overnight transformation that most retail stores perform around this time. You know what I’m talking about: Christmas decorations. The fact that they appear earlier and earlier each year just adds to my general feeling of disillusionment and manipulation. Each year, Christmas is thrust upon us whether we like it or not. And each year I feel more disconnected and empty. And I know why. But first, a little history. My parents, both non-practicing Catholics, sent me to parochial school to obtain the best education they could afford. It worked, but I lost my religion in the process. I have joined the ranks of the millions of “reformed” and now consider myself agnostic. Which is just one ladder rung up from atheist. I have theorized my own belief system and I am happy with it. That’s fodder for another column so for now I’ll just stick to the holiday blues. When you remove the standard religious dogma from Christmas and then expose Santa Claus for who they really are (parents) what have you got left to celebrate? All of you out there reading this just thought to yourselves a unanimous, “not much!” Exactly my point. So, after much thought I have concluded why this time of year makes some of us depressed, suicidal, alone and disconnected.
    It’s simply this: Christmas is not about trees covered in lights and garland. Or eggnog, turkey or pies. It’s not vintage T.V. specials, movies or twenty-four hours of X-mas music on the radio. No flying reindeer, elves, or flashy-dressed intruders who enter via your chimney. No wreaths, poinsettia or mistletoe. It’s not overly adorned retail stores, “tickle me Elmos” or bell ringing volunteers guarding a big, black pot. It’s not snow covered mornings or carolers serenading you with hymns. Nor is it about three wise men.
    You cannot experience Christmas extraneously because Christmas is an idea. It is born of one’s own mind and heart. It’s an attitude. It’s letting your guard down. It’s forgetting the differences between us and accepting each other for who we are. It’s a smile or a handshake. Being considerate of your fellow man or woman. It’s holding the door for someone or giving up your place in line at the check-out for the person with just one item. It’s buying someone who looks needy a cup of coffee or a bite to eat. It’s yielding the right-of-way to someone in traffic and appreciating their wave of thanks. It’s calling old friends and reminding them how much they mean to you. It’s telling your children and grand children how much you love them. And there is no better gift that you can give than telling your parents how much you love them and thanking them for impacting on your life. It’s forgiving old debts and resolving old issues. It’s opening up your heart and mind to an overabundance of goodwill towards each other. It’s finding inner peace in the notion that we were all created by the same entity and that we are truly all brothers and sisters sharing the same home.
    That is how I will celebrate Christmas this year. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll expand it a little more each year until I can experience that warm fuzzy feeling year round. And maybe some of it will rub off. Maybe it will catch on. Maybe all the mayhem produced by all those insane Christmas shoppers won’t matter anymore. Maybe Christmas won’t be about how much you can spend or how big your gift can be. Maybe we can learn from those mythical “Who’s” from that Dr. Seuss classic, “How the Grinch stole Christmas!” They were unfazed at awakening to a Christmas morning devoid of all the trappings and celebrated notwithstanding. Although, a generous portion of “roast beast” never hurt anybody. Happy Holidays.

Used by permission of THE NEXT 50

ADVICE FOR HOMEOWNERS: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

2009-12-07T13:20:00.002-05:00

Are you a new homeowner or someone who has owned a home for some time? If you are, there are many aspects of home maintenance that you may be aware of or some that you have never considered at all. I have compiled a list of questions and answers that I feel are important to know.

1) Do you have QEST water pipe running through your home? This is Polybutylene flexible pipe that was used to plumb many houses during the late 1980's and most of the 90's. Apparently, this brand of pipe will fail under certain conditions and there was a nationwide class action lawsuit in response to such failure. This pipe is usually recognized by it's grey color but it is also found in white, black, blue and cream. The printed letters "PB" can be found on the exterior of the pipe to help identify it. If you have this pipe running through your home and you have easy access to it, say, from an unfinished basement, crawl space or attic, you might consider replacing it. Or, at least just knowing if you have it can be useful. Generally, the cost to replace said pipe is not as expensive as you might think and the preventative costs associated with it far outweigh the potential damage costs. Look in the Yellow Pages for small owner-operated plumbing companies to get the most inexpensive material and labor costs to replace it.

2) Do you know where your home's main water supply shut off valve is? If you do, is it easily accessible? Do you have to climb over a mountain of toys or plastic storage totes to get to it? Easy access to this valve is essential in case of an emergency situation that requires the water to be turned off. Some older homes have the main valve outside the home in a front yard. Sometimes the lid to access the valve has a locking bolt on it to keep it sealed. Do you need a special sized wrench to open it? If you do, could you locate it in 60 seconds? When your house is flooding, every second counts. Keep such a device handy and in clear view at all times. I recommend a MASTER SHEET of information reminding you where all of these things can be found. You may want to add more of the following.

3) Do you know where your main circuit breaker panel is? Do you know if you have sub-panels, how many, and where they are? Do you have an older home with the old style screw-in fuses? If so, do you have any extra fuses handy in case one blows? By the law of building codes, access to circuit panels should never be blocked. But, as we all know, sometimes lack of space forces us to use every square inch of our garages and basements. You should always have easy access to these panels in case of an emergency. Having a flashlight with good batteries placed near such panels is always handy. Are all the circuits marked correctly AND LEGIBLE? If not, find an adult who can walk through your home as you flip breakers off and on, one by one to identify what they power. Use an indelible ink marker to mark as such. In an emergency, not having to guess what goes to where could save someone's life.

4) Do you have natural gas or propane entering your home? Do you know where the main shut off valve is? Do you have a gas fireplace or a gas stove? Do you know where the shut off valves are for these? Do you have a gas furnace heating your home? Can you easily find and reach the shut off valve to it? You should know the EXACT location where each of these can be found. Some gas fireplaces have a special KEY to turn the valve on and off. Do you know where the key is? Good advice is to hang the key in plain sight but NOT ABOVE THE FIREPLACE! If a fire should accidentally get out of hand, you may not be able to grab it due to flames.

5) Do you have a washer and dryer? Is your dryer exhaust vent free of dust and lint and does its opening and closing function properly? Believe it or not, birds and small animals will make these vents their home if they don't close properly when not in use. When was the last time you changed the rubber hoses that supply hot and cold water to your washing machine? Just like outdoor lawn hoses, these will fail and leak over time. They should be replaced periodically to avoid a flood, like when you're on a two week vacation away from home. That's when they usually break!

6) Does your home have a forced hot/cold air system? Do you know where ALL the return air duct filters are located? Do you know what size they are for each duct. Sometimes they are not all the same size. Did you know that the inexpensive throw away filters should be changed every month to keep your heating/cooling system functioning at its most cost efficient potential?

A home, just like a car, needs regular maintenance. My advice is to put all pertinent information together on one master sheet, make several copies and keep them in easy reach. In an emergency, running around like a headless chicken in front of family members and neighbors never looks good. Although sometimes it might be entertaining.

Love or money? The Tiger Woods debate.

2009-12-04T11:32:00.002-05:00

Didn't I just recently write an article about how men can easily take a relationship and flush it down the toilet? I guess a certain golf player missed that one. Which luckily, gives me a topic to expand on today. By now, unless you live in a cave, you know that golf wonder boy Tiger Woods is guilty (by his own words) of "transgressions." It never ceases to amaze me the vast number of colloquial terms we have invented to describe our mistakes. When we lie, it's a "fib" or a "white lie." Why does adding a color to it make it okay? Is a "black lie" worse? When we steal, it's called a "misappropriation" or "shoplifting." When we kill someone it's called "manslaughter." If a man accidentally kills a woman, shouldn't it be called "womanslaughter?" Well, it's not and you know why? Because "womanslaughter" sounds way too terrible. "Manslaughter" sounds much better. But I digress. Back to the Tiger. HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE! BROKE HIS MARRIAGE VOW! Allegedly, not with one, not with two, but with THREE WOMEN!! That's three life sentences in HELL if you believe in that sort of thing. "Transgressions" indeed!

   WOMENS DAY magazine recently conducted a poll asking women "would you stay if your husband cheated?" Of the women polled, 35% said "yes" while 65% said "no." "Maybe" and "it depends" were not options. This tells me that out of every one hundred women at least thirty-five have been cheated on. But I'm willing to bet that the number is MUCH higher. So sad. What is wrong with men? Is making a lifetime commitment to just one woman so impossible? Is being in love and making love to the same woman so painful? Is just a few minutes of self-gratification with a different woman worth losing the one you have? Look, if you're a man who can't keep it in his pants then you have no business being married. Lying and cheating on your spouse is not fair to her. In the grand scheme of things a divorce is far less painful to a woman than having her husband cheat on her. It is degrading to her and totally saps her self-esteem. THAT is something you do to your enemies, not to the woman who you considered your friend and wife.

           But apparently, on the subject of Tiger's "transgressions," most of the comments from men that I read on message boards seem to slap him on the back or encourage his bad behavior. He is now the hero of most ignorant men and the scourge of faithful women. And what does the media make of all this? "How will this hurt the TIGER WOODS brand?" Give me a break. He took a backhoe and dug himself a giant hole. Are we to feel sorry for him? Should we forget the whole thing? Frankly, I don't really care what happens to him. I only feel one thing: empathy towards his poor wife for having to suffer through this. BUT WAIT A MINUTE! She is not poor. On the contrary, she was just offered $5,000,000 to stay with her husband AND her revised pre-nup will give her an additional $55,000,000 if she stays for a total of ten years. Oh how silly of me, I forgot how boat loads of cash make up for everything and help people to forget. Right.

          When events like this happen, women are the losers. The message is clear: men, go ahead and cheat. If you've got enough money in the bank you can fix it. All can be undone with cash. Nothing will change until men view women as equals. Until they can see the world through their eyes. Until THEY have to go through life wondering when THEIR spouse will toss promises to the wind and cheat on them.

         On Sunday, December 6, I am getting married. My fiance and I have written our own vows, or promises if you like, and I intend to keep mine. When two people find each other and realize that no other substitutes will do, shouldn't a simple promise to be faithful be enough? If, as a man, you can't unequivocally answer "yes," then you have no business being married. Peace.

Hello readers, just a quick reminder..........

2009-12-03T09:04:00.000-05:00

Greetings readers and fans. I hope you are enjoying Take my advice, please. In case many of you didn't know it, I have another blog where I post fictional short stories in different genres. All are family friendly and vulgarity free. CLICK HERE to view them. I will post a new story each week. Thanks for taking a look, Ray.

P.S. The address is www.fictiongallery.blogspot.com

Three little words that can move mountains.

2009-12-02T16:41:00.001-05:00

Of all the words in the English language, there are three that can stand alone and have three separate meanings. They each contain just one syllable and can be arranged in such a way that they convey a different idea each time. But there is one arrangement that's extra special. For the sake of time and space, let's call this arrangement number 1. 1 has the amazing ability to connect things that normally aren't connected. For instance, a young man and his first car. A young girl to her first pet. Another amazing feat for 1 is its ability to provide certainty in uncertain times. Like when someone you know makes a giant mistake or takes you for granted. 1 can be yelled or whispered. It can be flown on a banner behind a plane or found nestled in a tiny black box. 1 can be translated into any language on the planet and still mean the same in all. 1 can be read with the eyes or felt with the soul. 1 can be said to anyone and anything. 1 turns sorrow into joy and strangers into friends. 1 can apply to the young or old, black or white, male or female, man to man or mother to son. 1 has the power to move mountains but it is seldom uttered. 1 is the most important thing to know in life. 1 can also be said to ourselves when we are at our lowest point.1 is tossed around at family reunions and holidays, and whispered to those we know when laid to rest. 1 is what every child should hear from it's parents. And parents from every child. From brother to sister and vice-versa. 1 should be heard from every patriot to their nation and from every enemy to their foe. 1 should be cherished between any two people who care to share it. 1 removes doubt and mystery. It needs to be said daily and often. What are the three little words that make up number 1: I love You.

Another woman loses her life in the pursuit of perfection.

2009-12-01T12:05:00.002-05:00

I am shaking my head in disbelief. Today, a top MSN news story is supplying me with the facts surrounding a former beauty queen's death. Apparently, a young woman has died due to complications she suffered after having a "buttocks enhancement" procedure. At first read, it almost sounds like the punchline to a joke in very poor taste, but I am not laughing. I am very serious. This woman got the idea in her head that her butt just wasn't FIRM enough to suit her. Why would she possibly entertain this notion? Is there a NATIONAL BUTT FIRMNESS GUIDE? Has she broken any law? Was she being harassed by men following her around on a daily basis insisting that she have "buns of steel?" The answer to all these questions is YES! Oh, maybe not as bluntly or as sarcastically as I have written it but the motivation was there all the same. In my humble opinion, men are the root cause for such action. Men have raised the beauty and body bar so high for women that they are forced to consider such craziness. Today, thanks to modern technology it's no holds barred. Anything you want larger, smaller, fuller, thinner, longer, shorter, lighter, darker, smoother or removed can be accomplished. Whatever happened to moderation? Whatever happened to being self-content? Are most women's self-esteem so low that they have to risk death just to look better than the next woman? Apparently so. This woman did not have to die. There are other means of attaining the results that she sought. Walking backwards uphill on a treadmill would have acquired the same results. But again, a simple solution to a problem that should not exist. I believe every woman on the planet should turn the tables. They should not even consider a man with gray hair, wrinkles, thin lips, small pecs, a big gut, spaghetti legs, or wooly mammoth body hair. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Make them work like dogs at the gym, undergo liposuction and hair dye. Make them wax their body hair and get face lifts. Shun them and make them feel inferior until they are perfect. Make them know what it is to be a woman. There, I am finished with my tirade for the day. Click here to read the MSN news story. Women, stop the insanity!

Advice for women : How to make shopping with your man enjoyable.

2009-11-30T14:39:00.001-05:00

Women and shopping. The two go hand in hand like shoe sales and credit cards. Women are natural born shoppers. It's in their genetic code. They can shop for hours, take a fifteen minute lunch break, and again, hit the stores running. Shopping for some women is more enjoyable than sex. Sad but true. For men on the other hand, shopping with a woman is like getting a colonoscopy: It's inevitable, you can't talk your way out of it, it's slightly amusing but mostly uncomfortable. So, with that in mind, I have compiled a list of tips for women to use to make the shopping experience more enjoyable for their man.

1) Just getting him there.
         Men are easily outsmarted and will fall for almost anything. One way to get him into the stores is to mention how you think there might be a sporting goods store, a toy store or a video arcade inside the mall you are planning to attack. Should there be none of these at said mall, deny all recollections of the conversation. Another tactic you can try is to offer to buy him lunch. No man will ever refuse a free lunch! If all else fails, promise him something new and exciting in the bedroom tonight. Later that evening, place the shiny new flashlight that you purchased (when he wasn't looking) on his night stand and say, "TAA DAA!!" All men love flashlights.

2) Distraction.
         No matter what, some men just hate the shopping experience. This notion is ingrained in them as toddlers. They remember the never-ending hours of boredom they had to endure while being whisked from store to store as their mothers shopped like robots. These men are scarred for life and no amount of 'retail therapy' is going to help. For you to be free to shop every rack and to try everything on, without the whiny, "can we go home now," you must distract them. Give them something to read. Something with big, colorful pictures and words they can understand like 500 HORSEPOWER, or 12 POINT BUCK, or CAREER TOUCHDOWNS. The more magazines the merrier! They will sit quietly content for hours while you happily spend all their money! (just kidding.)

3) Inclusion.
        Some men are naturally inquisitive and might actually care about why you have come to the giant indoor mall to shop. These guys you can work with. Unlike "distracted man" above, your fellow might just require a simple task to keep him occupied and happy. Here is your chance to put him to work. Give him the size, and/or color, and/or budget of the items you are searching for and tell him to "fetch!" If he returns with a number of items that are dressing room worthy, pat him on the head and tell him what a 'good' boy he is. Should he return with a handful of clothing not fit for The salvation Army, say "BAD!" and send him back out.

4) My little helper.
       Amazingly, not all men are dolts and will actually enjoy shopping with you. Use this to your advantage. Ask him to pick out items that he thinks you might look good in. This will help stave off the boredom and actually give you a window into his fashion sense. After all, YOU are practically responsible for everything that hangs in his closet, i.e., birthdays, X-mas, anniversaries, his vasectomy 'get well' gift and so on. It's only fair that he has some input. If he does a good job of outfitting you, buy him some socks and underwear.

5) A rolling stone gathers no moss.
       Keep moving. You know he has a short attention span. Grab him by the hand and slingshot him from rack to rack. Jog through the aisles. Run from store to store. DON'T LET HIM SIT! Once you lose momentum you'll lose him. Keep him focused! Make him carry all the bags. He needs purpose. Show him that shopping can be fun! At home, in between mall attacks, put him on reconnaissance. Let him comb the Sunday paper searching for sales. Make him an active part of the shopping experience. Hopefully, once he is converted, he will tell all his dopey friends bringing harmony to all who shop. Amen.

Advice for all: How to avoid bloodshed on Thanksgiving Day!

2009-11-25T12:36:00.001-05:00

Isn't it sad that I have to write an article like this regarding such a family oriented occasion? But, without fail, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I always find an article about death or bloodshed at the Thanksgiving table. So sad! There are no logical reasons to kill family members on this occasion, but people die nevertheless. Maybe one reason for this is the "feeding frenzy" mentality that accompanies the anticipation of a large, mouthwatering meal. Deep inside, we are all still animals and maybe some instincts cannot be controlled. With this in mind I have compiled a list of what not to do on thanksgiving day to stay alive. I hope this helps!

1) The first time being in someone else's home for Thanksgiving dinner.
The goal here is to try not to create tension in a new environment. No matter what, do not question why your host has to have 3 Christmas trees up at the same time. Maybe they're taking a botany class. And never comment on it being "too early" to put up the tree. Not everyone shares the same time schedule. Try to ignore the life size crucifix hanging in the foyer that greets you as soon as you walk in. Never comment on this! Remember, religion is one of those 'touchy' subjects that one should never discuss. Pay no attention to a house so cluttered that you need a "YOU ARE HERE" map just to find your way to the nearest bathroom. Not EVERYBODY has a housekeeper so try to hide that look of chaos on your face, 'Buffy.'
While navigating through someone's home, never open closed doors, enter, and rifle through dresser drawers and closets, unless you're absolutely sure that you haven't been followed. Any incriminating evidence you find should be kept secret until things get 'dicey' at the dinner table. Never assume that YOU can sit at the end of the table. THIS is reserved for (a) the cook. (b) the woman of the house. (c) the man of the house. (d) the grandparent residing in the house. The one with the flatulence problem, or (e) anyone in a wheelchair. You will sit where you're told to, DAMMIT, and be quiet about it! Every turkey ever hatched has only two drumsticks. There are 12 of you sitting around the table. You have a 1 in 6 chance of getting a leg and those are crappy odds. A sure fire way to end up in an ambulance en-route to the nearest hospital is claim one of these for your own. Your best bet is to wait until everyone has taken what they want off the 'meat' tray, then should there be a lone leg on said tray, grab for that sucka' with both hands.

2) Hosting the Thanksgiving meal.
AHA! Here you have the 'home' advantage. There are steps you can take to minimize the violence. One is to have a big screen television blaring the Thanksgiving day football game. Men are easily distracted by this and will blindly follow the commotion until they reach the living room and plop themselves down on a couch. It's best to herd them all into one place to keep an eye on them. Have a CO2 fire extinguisher on hand to control any arguments over 'foul calls' or 'player stats.' Another thing to do is to 'weapon proof' the house. Remove all machine guns, rifles, pistols, paintball guns, crossbows, knives, swords, darts, pool cues, pool balls, fireplace utensils, baseball bats, hockey sticks, rolling pins, scissors, nail clippers and safety razors. Pre-cut every ounce of food you plan to serve into bite-sized portions and set the table with spoons only. Bury ALL your knives and forks in the back yard just to be safe. If you are hosting a large part of your family for Thanksgiving dinner, here are some subjects that you should NEVER discuss. (a) religion ;see above. (b) politics. (c) anyone recently "coming out of the closet." (d) revising your parents' will. (e) who those parents should stay with because they're not staying in MY house, DAMMIT!
Try and limit the amount of alcohol served. A bunch of drunk, stuffed, hot and sweaty relatives cramped around a table normally built for six is a recipe for danger. DO NOT SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE! No one really knows what this stuff is made from. And the fact that it resembles the inside of the can it just came out of, while sitting there on a large, white plate, just creates anxiety and confusion. Diffuse the situation. As soon as the last bit of pie has been eaten and there isn't a drop of coffee left, bring all of the coats out from off of the master bedroom's bed, and hand them out. The quicker a crowd disperses, the more lives you can save. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why you shouldn't fear crop circles and other musings.

2009-11-24T14:56:00.001-05:00

As I sit at my keyboard typing this article, I have music playing in the background. I am having difficulty seeing the keys through my tears. Yes, I am crying. Why? Because I am listening to Bob Dylan's, "Christmas in the heart," and it has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard. He has absolutely no voice left (like he could sing before?) and so he is crucifying (no pun intended) fifteen classic Christmas songs. If you need a great 'GAG' gift or know a true die hard Dylan fan, buy this CD. It will be the best $14.00 you ever spent! Now, to continue.

Okay, we are all aware how ALL department stores have an incredible sale the day after X-mas, right? Aren't we all feeling the effects of this recession? Wouldn't you like to get more bang for your buck this year? Do you see where I'm going with this? It's time to beat the retailers at their own game!
POSTPONE CHRISTMAS FOR TWO DAYS! There, I said it! And why not? If you've got kids here's what you tell them: Tell them that if they want Christmas to come when it always does, that they will get a few presents. Then, ask them if they can wait ONLY two extra days, they'll get LOTS of presents! If you haven't any kids or you are alone or have just a spouse, give it a thought. The stores won't be as wacky, most everyone will be waiting in that long RETURN line, so shop all day and save hundreds.

Crop circles. They pop up everywhere. I have applied some simple logic to their origin and I have concluded that they are not created by aliens, so there is no reason to fear them. Of course, if you saw the movie, "Signs," you may argue my point, but first, hear me out.
1) They have to be smarter than us.
A smart alien has better things to do than to fly millions of miles to earth, land, and then draw some unexplainable pattern in the landscape that one can only really appreciate from above. Most of these patterns seem to be pointing to something. What? A Walmart? A Target? The nearest McDonalds? They point nowhere. An alien would have it pointing to our nearest defense system, so forget about it.

2) Aliens have big heads.
"And so?" you may be asking. Well, most of these circles appear in large fields. Fields of grass or wheat or corn. Do you remember the sinus headache you get when 'hay fever' season rolls around? Great, now imagine having a big alien head. Now, imagine the headache that accompanies it. Now, imagine that you're an alien. Need I say more?

3) Aliens have to be discreet.
Mankind is so dumb that if an alien did ever land, we'd blow it to smithereens. Aliens are smart so they know this. Therefore, it makes no sense that aliens would come during the dark cover of night, spend hours making some dopey symbol, then leave, leaving the symbol as evidence that they were here. Starting to see it my way now, aren't you?

Crop circles are made by college students with a calculus degree. Actually, anyone can make a crop circle. All you need is stakes, a sledgehammer, a few different lengths of rope and a bunch of friends that have too much time on their hands. Wait a minute. Remember how hard it is just to find two friends to help move a couch, let alone trample through a damp field, in the dark, making some incoherent symbol, all to perpetuate some kind of hoax? Fine! It's aliens then.

Advice on how to dramatically change your life.

2009-11-23T11:30:00.002-05:00

About seven years ago I ended my marriage. No-one was really to blame, let's just call it a mistake. I spent many years unhappy, so to seek solace from my misery I turned to Television. It was my crutch. My bottle of 'Jack Daniels.' My drug of choice. T.V. has a way of numbing you to the point of absorption: you are in another world that thinks for you, entertains you, informs you and controls you. On that fateful day of my self-imposed freedom, I had a life altering choice to make: To either buy a T.V., hook it up to cable and continue to be a couch potato OR choose to give it up completely and permanently. There and then I made the decision that dramatically changed my life: I gave it up.

So, what do you do when you no longer have T.V. in your life? You start living. I ventured out into the world and started dating. Man, how things have changed! I met intelligent, empowered, insightful, compassionate, wise and wonderful women that taught me so much about me, them and how we interact. I was shown a different view, a new slant on the world. I was enlightened. I became a better man. I eventually found my future wife. Could all of these things have occurred had I not given up T.V.? Possibly, but not likely. I would have become part of the furniture, my eyes fixed to the screen.

Giving up T.V. on that fateful day started a domino effect that is still continuing today. With time on my hands during the evening hours, I ventured out into society. I ended up at a restaurant that hosted an 'open mic' night. I was feeling melancholy that evening but I decided to try my hand at fifteen minutes of stand-up comedy. I sat at the bar jotting down some notes and snippets creating a rough draft of my short routine. During my time slot, I 'killed' them. I left them laughing. I discovered a hidden talent.

While being out in the world, dating, I met a very interesting woman. What was interesting about her was her loud, boisterous laugh. A genuine laugh, not forced or phony in any way. I thought that she'd be a great audience for my comedy material. I offered to show her some things I had written and sure enough, she laughed until tears ran down her cheeks. After she regained her composure she looked me in the eye and asked if I had written anything serious. I answered, I didn't. "You should," she said. I told her I would. Later that evening I laid in bed formulating the basis for my story. I expanded on my idea and spent the next few hours writing a one page short story. I showed it to her the next day. "You wrote this in one night?" she asked. "Yep," I replied. "This is good, you have to write more!" Well, I did, which set off the first domino. I wrote eleven short stories giving me the confidence to apply for a contributing writer's job for two local magazines. I became a columnist. Second domino to fall. Would I have become a columnist had I not given up T.V.? Highly unlikely.

Being on my own after departing the marriage, I was forced to cook for myself. No big deal really, I knew the basics and I could follow a recipe. Soon, after preparing my own meals, I realized how much I enjoyed doing it. I took great satisfaction in improvising and creating different meals for myself. I experimented more. I cooked for women I dated. I cooked for family members on holidays. I expanded what I was. I grew as a person. I learned to cook. Did this come about due to my extra time without T.V? Probably.

With still more time on my hands in the evening hours, I searched for a hobby to keep me occupied. I responded to a local newspaper ad looking for people who liked to sing. I had been singing non-professionally all of my life so I decided to join. While practicing at the band leaders home for a spring concert called, "The Italian Festival," I noticed boxes and boxes of books stacked by his front door. "What's with all the books?" I asked. "I'm thinning out my library. Do you want them?" Being an avid reader but never finding the time to read when I was married, I quickly answered, "Yes." I took home over 200 books and dug in. I increased my reading speed, my vocabulary, and boosted my knowledge of grammar and semantics. I became more intelligent. Could I have achieved this sitting like a vegetable on my couch? Nada.

So now I'm singing. I meet a fellow musician who is the band leader of a jazz, swing and standards band. I ask him if he needs a new lead singer. He informs me that he does. Soon I am lead vocalist for the 'Swingcats.' I must learn many new songs and memorize new lyrics. I perform with the band. I meet new people. I grow as a person. I played the drums in grade school and had a 'garage' band. I decide to take them up again and purchase a new set. Soon I am playing again and getting better and better. I enjoy playing drums. I have expanded my inner talents. I have grown as a person.

My latest venture is this blog that you are currently reading. The third domino to fall. Since giving up T.V. my I.Q. level has risen 21 points and I am creative and productive. Since I get all my news online and from National Public Radio, I am no longer spoon fed the news that T.V. supplied to me. I can make an unbiased decision regarding the news. I am not inundated by daily news shows that are more fluff than fact. I don't have to watch or care about Jon and Kate and their houseful of kids. I don't have to sit through hours of Michael Jackson news and tributes. I don't have to guess what killed Anna Nicole Smith. Will the results be the same for everyone that gives up the T.V? Obviously not, but I guarantee that your life will change for the better.

Advice on how to beat a traffic ticket.

2009-11-21T11:57:00.001-05:00

     If you think flashing some cleavage at the patrol officer leaning in your window is going to get you out of that, "failed to stop at stop sign" ticket, you're sadly mistaken. I tried it and all I got was another ticket, "attempting to bribe a police officer!" Be that as it may, there are some traffic violations that you can beat in court if you know how. First, let's be perfectly clear: some tickets you will absolutely not beat. If you run a red light and "T-bone" a passing car, you're gonna' have a hard time wiggling out of that one. If you run through a stop sign at a four way intersection with a patrol car on all sides of you, there's another one you might not win. But because there are literally hundreds of traffic infractions that you could incur during the course of just driving to the nearest 7-11, you might be able to beat some of them.

     The first thing you need to do is to be prepared. Keep a small notebook and pen in your glove compartment to take notes when you are first pulled over. Note the day, time, traffic conditions, weather, and most importantly where the patrol officer's car was when he or she spotted you allegedly breaking the law. If the officer decides to cite you for an infraction and you are absolutely positive that you did not commit the said infraction, by all means DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM OR HER! Say nothing, but take or make notes of what the officer says to you. THIS IS IMPORTANT!

     In order to win your case you will have to go to court. Do not fear this. The law states that every person is innocent until proven guilty. Do not fear the judge or be intimidated by the court or it's proceedings. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HIRE A LAWYER IN ALL CASES. If you have done your homework and follow my advice, you have just as good a chance to win without one. To get started, you will have to prepare your case. You will do this at home.

1) Gather information.
     If possible, go back to the exact location of where you received your ticket and take pictures. Take pictures of where you were. Take pictures of where the officer was when he or she spotted you. Take pictures of traffic flow, and any other pertinent locations. Develop these and be ready to use them.
Supply any and all pertinent information regarding your car, it's uniqueness, it's status in society. If it's a high performance sports car, note that. If it's a 'Yugo' on it's last legs, note that too. If you have high performance tires, brakes, handling, note these too.

     Make a large, easy to understand detailed schematic of the site where the infraction occurred. Note the direction and location of your vehicle. Most importantly, note the direction and location of the officers vehicle. Note traffic lights, stop signs, gas stations, convenient stores and pedestrian cross walks. Be extra thorough!
If you have recently taken a driver improvement course, bring this with you to court. This next piece of advice is most important: WRITE DOWN EVERY QUESTION THAT YOU INTEND TO ASK THE PATROL OFFICER WHEN YOUR DAY IN COURT ARRIVES!

2) In court.
Believe it or not, just showing up to court on the appointed day can win you your case. If the patrol officer fails to show up by the time your case is called, your case is dismissed. You win! Do not rely on this. Dress for court. Wearing a suit or business wear to court makes a very good impression on a judge. If you own one, bring all your files and photos to court in a brief case. If you don't own one, a metal file holder or a professional clipboard will suffice. Your name will be called when it is your time to approach the bench. Do not panic and try to stay calm. A friendly demeanor or a smile wins people over. Never approach the bench with a "chip" on your shoulder. The judge will acknowledge you and your infraction. He or she will ask the officer to speak first and explain his or her reasoning for giving you the infraction. No matter what the officer says stay calm, do not interrupt and keep quiet. You will get your chance.

     After the officer has said his or her piece, the judge will then ask you if you have any questions for the officer. IT'S SHOWTIME! Time for you to go to work. Inform the judge that you do have questions, face the officer and as calmly and as succinctly as you can pose your first question. Give the officer ample time to answer. Ask your questions in a breezy tone and do not get riled or flustered by whatever the officer says. Stay focused. Right here, right now it's your word against his or hers. Your number one job here is to convince the judge that the officer erred in judgment when writing your summons. Use all of your notes, pictures and pertinent information to support your argument. Offer to show the judge your facts. Stay cool and calm throughout. If you have presented a convincing enough rebuttal, the judge will likely rule in your favor. Thank the judge and be on your way.

     Best of luck, Ray.

For Women only : Understanding Men and why they do what they do.

2009-11-19T14:51:00.001-05:00

*Editors note* I may be at risk of alienating a small portion of the male species with this following article but the men that I point a finger at don't necessarily read these types of articles anyway. I do not claim to know every man, nor do I claim to be a perfect man. I am merely providing my opinion and observations. I call 'em the way I see 'em. Any intelligent man reading this will most likely not see themselves included in some of the generalizations that lie ahead. -ed.

Men. How I hate to be lumped into that group. But I am a man, guilty of some of the mistakes that accompany being a man, but I try to rise above. As an observer of men, I have a bit of insight into why they act and behave as they do. I believe women are entitled to share in this information to help them understand. Here goes!

Men are idiots. Not all, but most. History has provided large numbers of men who defy my first statement, but mostly, they're idiots. Only a man would yell, "Hey! Watch this!." Which usually leads to sirens, paramedics, fire hoses, destruction of property, bandages and casts. A woman would never do this. The ensuing laughter caused by the aforementioned scenario is usually attributed to women. Men shoot each other while hunting in the woods. How big of an idiot do you have to be to mistake a two hundred twenty pound man wearing a bright red hat for a fawn? Even deer laugh at those guys. Men blow limbs off making bombs. Men kill each other over a pair of sneakers. Men routinely destroy perfectly good relationships with women for the most ridiculous reasons. Let's dig deeper into that one, shall we?

Besides being idiots, most men have zero confidence. Why? Maybe they weren't nurtured as a child. Maybe they were constantly put down, humiliated or compared to another child, their own shortcomings always being pointed out. Any number of issues can result in low self-esteem or lack of confidence. In a relationship with a woman is where a man with these attributes will try to prove himself. He's the guy looking for an affair. He's the guy who will cheat. He will run the risk of losing everything just to prove himself a man in his woman's eyes. Then, of course, is the other side of the spectrum : EGO MAN! This guy is a legend in his own mind. He has bought into society's perceived idea of what a man should be, hook, line and sinker. He is a force to be reckoned with. He's the controlling guy. The guy who monitors his woman's every move, her friends, her money and the amount of freedom he is willing to dole out. He is a jealous man. Doesn't even let another man look at his property. But he is not alone. Low confidence man is jealous too! He is afraid that the guy sitting on the bar stool next to his girl friend is going to snatch her away when he goes to the men's room. A man of true self-confidence has no interest in any of this behavior.

Ever wonder why he doesn't call after that supposedly wonderful first date? Besides being idiots, most men are cowards when it comes to communicating with women. Most are awkward with words and fear saying the wrong thing. He won't call you because in retrospect some minute detail about you has turned him off and he doesn't have the nerve to tell you that he doesn't want to see you again. It's less painful for him to just ignore you. Silly and rude behavior.

By now, most women know that most men are visually stimulated. If they see something appealing to the eye, the little head takes over. This can cause relationship problems down the road. Most men would love their wives or girlfriends to be Miss America beautiful with runway model shapes and porn star techniques in the bedroom. Welcome to the real world. If your husband or boyfriend cares nothing about the aforementioned statement, consider him unique and yourself lucky. He truly loves you for who you are no matter what you look like. He is in a minority. For the rest of the male population who can't handle a woman's physique after childbirth or accept a woman's form as it ages, those men will most likely cheat, avoid sex or limit sex, making a woman's life miserable. There is no viable excuse to be made for this behavior.

Men are almost always in competition with other men. This makes them selfish. This makes them roll over and attempt sleep after three minutes of love making. What? You weren't satisfied? Too bad, it's all about him. The truly confident man feels no need to compete. He doesn't have to have it all. Selfish is not in his vocabulary. He is the man who will spend hours making love to a woman ensuring that she is satisfied too. Ladies, if you have one of these, consider him unique and yourself lucky.

Men are capable of horrific atrocities. They wage war against each other. Men, women and children are all targets. Women need to remember that although men are classified as Homosapiens, they are mammals too. They are animals still evolving. They are primitive. Some have progressed past this and have shown a great capacity for compassion and beauty. All men should aspire to this. But some barely walk erect causing pain and embarrassment to the rest of us. My hope is that one day all men will suddenly realize that there is this wonderful, compassionate, loving, caring, loyal creature next to them who can be their best friend too. A woman.

Advice on quitting smoking.

2009-11-18T13:12:00.001-05:00

Smoking has become just another personal attribute among many that seek to divide and differentiate us from each other. The 'smokers' and the 'non-smokers.' The smokers cannot hide. We see them standing outside banks, schools, restaurants, department stores, libraries, any place where smoking is banned. They stand there no matter what time it is or what the weather conditions are. Sometimes they sit, huddled together enjoying a cigarette. Or cigar. Or pipe. Or joint. Sometimes I think certain people would smoke anything that you put in front of them. There is a certain amount of animosity towards each other regarding smoking. Non-smokers don't enjoy breathing smoke while they're eating, at the theatre, or in small confined rooms. Non-smokers don't like to be near ashtrays or smell the smoke permeated in someone's clothes or hair. Most smokers are oblivious to these conditions. Hence, the animosity. I myself, am a non-smoker. But, I had to endure second hand smoke for at least half my life. I know many people who smoke. I have lost love ones to the ravages of lung cancer. It is painful, it reduces a persons dignity and it is heart wrenching for those who have to watch.
On the third Thursday of November annually, comes the American cancer society's great American smokeout. This group is dedicated to helping smokers break the habit. Current research shows that smokers are more likely to quit if they have access to some means of support.
Such as:
Counseling
nicotine replacement products like nicorette gum or the nicotine patch.
telephone smoking cessation hotlines
prescription medicine to help reduce cravings
guide books
support and encouragement from family and friends.
If you know and love someone who smokes, pass along this advice. You would try to stop a friend from jumping off a bridge to kill themselves, right?

MEN: Going bald? It's not as bad as you think!

2009-11-17T09:37:00.008-05:00

I know, I know. I'm broaching on a delicate subject. But somebody has to talk about it. I'll be as gentle as I can. "Hey loser, is your hair abandoning your head faster than rats from a sinking ship?" Was that gentle enough? For what it's worth, I suffer the same fate. I too create a glare under bright lights. So, what are we to do about it? Well, the first thing to do is to STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT! Worry fuels stress and stress can do terrible things to a person. One example, make their hair fall out. So, the more you worry, the more you lose. Chill out, dude. You have options!

OPTION # 1
Embrace your baldness.
Guys, do you still adhere to the notion that baldness is a sign of being emasculated? Not true. Do you think anyone ever pointed a finger at Yul Brynner and laughed? How about calling Telly Savales a "sissy boy?" Vin Diesel a "girlie man?" I think not! Would you want to play basketball against Michael Jordan? Tell Bruce Willis his Die Hard movies suck? Point out to Curly of Three Stooges fame that he's NOT a ladies man? Alright, maybe the last one isn't such a good analogy, but you get my drift. Today, bald has a new definition. A different perception. If you feel powerless over your hair loss, seize control. Take a razor to your head and claim victory! YOU now have the final word on the subject. YOU have chosen to be bald, not the other way around. I myself opted for that shiny smooth look. Unfortunately, the combination of my oddly shaped egg head together with my goatee AND my rather large frame, added up to me looking like a mass murderer. Not the kind of guy you want to take home to 'meet the parents!' In fact, after seeing a snapshot taken of me, I quickly let whatever I had grow back in. So, I am not a good example. But, if you think you have a nicely shaped head, consider the razor. If, on the other hand, bald is definitely not an option for you, then consider.....

OPTION #2
Pharmaceuticals
Wouldn't you know it but purely by accident some people taking the blood pressure drug Minoxidil started to grow hair on their heads. Go figure! Today, there is Rogaine. The makers of Rogaine state that "only some may experience hair growth on very specific areas of the scalp." Not very reassuring. If that little tidbit of information doesn't deter you, consider this: A one year supply will average you about $220.00. Now, how about potential side affects like: Rapid heart beat, chest pain, light headedness, dizziness, sudden unexplained weight gain (think Uncle Fester of Addams family fame) water retention, scalp irritation, the list goes on and on. Still not deterred? How does that saying go, "Fools rush in............."

OPTION #3
Science.
Men in white lab coats yielding scalpels have come up with a solution: Implant someone else's dead hair into your head. Gross! But, look at the upside: you'll never need a haircut again! Not for you? How about having hair taken from the back of your head where it's still growing strong and having it surgically implanted on your bald spot? This can also be done. But, you'd better have deep pockets for those two. Is money tight during this sinking economy? Consider..........

OPTION #4
Have a rug installed over your flesh floor.
A WIG! Right! No one will ever guess! No one will ever notice how one day you resembled Sean Connery but the next day you looked like Howard Stern. No one will ever notice that you NEVER need a haircut or the forever absence of gray. Of course the upside is that after 30 years your hairstyle will finally be back in vogue. Isn't that comforting?

OPTION #5
The comb over and the perennial baseball cap. The first suggestion is sadder than the end of Titanic and the second one never works well when you are in a three piece suit or a tux. Unless of course, you're Michael Moore. I do not recommend either of these.

So, in closing, it is my personal view that you should opt for option #1. It's the manly thing to do. And for all you men out there already bald who choose to grow that great big beard and moustache, here's an observation: You look like Lenin. No, not the Beatle, the communist!

THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS

2009-11-15T13:19:00.003-05:00

That very popular 70’s show, “The Partridge Family,” had a line in its opening theme song that told us to “c’mon get happy!” Great advice. But is it that simple? Maybe not, and I should know. In March of 2007, a woman who I was casually dating broke off our relationship citing the fact that, “I was not happy.” “Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re not breaking up with me because I don’t make YOU happy. We’re breaking up because you think I’m not happy. Have I got that right?” Her reply: “That’s right.” At the time, I commented on how it was a “lame excuse” and that I was very happy. Today, after much thought and introspection, I have concluded that she was right. I was not happy.

But that exchange happened almost three years ago and a lot can change in that amount of time. I’ll discuss those changes later but for now I would like to explore what ‘happy’ is. ‘Happy’ is purely a state of mind. It is not a place you can visit. It is not something you can touch, see, hear, taste or smell. It cannot be weighed or counted. You cannot buy it or sell it. You cannot force it upon someone but sometimes it can be taken from you. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines “happy” as “having, showing, or causing great pleasure or joy.” So, ‘happy’ is the end result of something that brings you pleasure or joy. Which means that it will always be different for everyone.

As a human being I am constantly being exposed to things that make me ‘unhappy.’ Global warming, gas prices, food prices, the state of the economy, war, man's inhumanity towards his fellow man, my children’s coldness, all make me unhappy. In my quest for happiness I realized that most of the above I had no control over and could not change. Nevertheless, I was determined to be happy.

So, how do I get happy? First, I made a list of everything that I could think of that makes me happy. It was a long list. The stark reality of that exercise was that I no longer had those things in my life. Time, distance, culture, my age, my commitments, along with a few other factors, removed much of what made me happy from my life. My list included but was not limited to:
1) Being in love
2) Music
3) Friends
4) Cinema
5) Reading
6) Writing
7) The gym
8) My car
9) Time for play

I realized I wasn’t putting enough effort into incorporating those things back into my life. But, since compiling my list I have met my ‘soul mate,’ my ‘other half’ so to speak and find joy being in love. I have made new friends and acquaintances that bring joy to my life. I have started expanding my record (yes, record) collection to include the kind of music I love and that brings me joy. I rent more classic movies to watch at home. Movies from my childhood. Movies I enjoyed. I have found time to read again. I have started writing this blog site which you are currently reading. I extract great joy from it. I have joined the local Y.M.C.A. and try to exercise more. I will take my girl, pack a lunch and go for long drives in the country. And lastly, I have found time to play. I have increased the number of things that brought me joy, thereby making me happy.

So, in closing, my advice today is to tell everyone to be happy. How? Make a list. Check it twice. Bring happiness back into your life. But first, be happy with yourself. Like yourself. If you’re under the delusion that money will buy you happiness, forget it. True, money buys toys, and toys can bring you joy, but like a toddler, you will lose interest and put them down. Well, maybe not a jet ski. Or a Ferrari. Or a cabin cruiser. Or a vacation traveling the world. Alright, I stand corrected. Money does buy happiness. Forget the whole thing.

Winter and your car

2009-11-12T10:08:00.002-05:00

If you own a car and do not have access to mass transit, your least favorite time of year is approaching : Winter! I get chills just typing the word. I have a few suggestions on how to make winter and your car work together.

1) When winter roads start to become hazardous, release some of the air in your tires. A slightly flatter tire provides a little bit more contact with the road. I recommend setting the pressure at slightly above half of the maximum recommended pressure for that tire. That information is found on the outside of each tire. In very small letters.

2) When is the last time you replaced your wiper blades? If you can't remember, it's time to replace them.

3) Check the fluid level in your windshield washer fluid reservoir. Make sure it is full.

4) Check the fluid level of anti-freeze in your overflow reservoir. Make sure it is full to it's capacity. If you haven't changed your anti-freeze in over three years, it's time for a fluid change.

5) Keep a flashlight in your glove compartment and check the batteries every three months.

6) Keep a warm blanket, raincoat and two gallons of distilled water in your trunk if possible. It's better to be prepared for an emergency than to try and improvise during one.

7) Have you ever changed a flat tire on your vehicle? Do you know if you have a working jack? A tire iron to remove a wheel? Does your spare (if any) have air in it? If it does, set the pressure to what I suggested in tip # 1.

8) Flares, reflective HAZARD signs and a small emergency medical kit are all great to have in your trunk just in case.

9) If you have a cell phone, keep a cell phone car charger in your glove compartment.

10) For better night vision during storms or rural driving, change your head light lamp bulbs to the brightest halogen bulbs allowed for your vehicle. Your local auto parts store clerk can help provide this information and if you ask him or her nicely, they just might install them for you.

11) How old is the battery in your car? Most batteries have a five year life span. Cold temperatures can quickly drain a battery's cranking power. If the five year mark is approaching, consider replacing your battery. On most newer foreign cars, a dead or dying battery will most often harm your alternator causing it to fail as well. Another good reason to replace your battery.

12) Try to keep your gas tank full as much as possible. There are many reasons to do this. First, since a property of gasoline is to easily vaporize, keeping your tank full reduces the amount of air space available for your gas to vaporize into. The gas in your tank will last longer this way. Second, every gallon of gasoline in your tank adds weight over you car's rear wheels. If you have a rear wheel drive vehicle, this helps provide your car with more traction. Third, if a big storm hits and power goes out to a large area, gas stations may close due to lack of power. Having little or no gas in your tank may strand you at home or on the road. And finally, if the power goes out at your home and you have to rely solely on electric for heat, you can always climb into your car, start it up and run the heater to keep warm. I DO NOT recommend you do this if your car is in an enclosed area OR if your car currently has an inadequate muffler.

13) If you know in advance that a snow or ice storm is coming, lift your windshield wipers off of the windshield. This will help you scrape ice or snow off without damaging them.

14) If a snow storm is imminent, park you car at the end of your driveway closest to the street. You will have less snow to shovel out of your way to access the road.

15) Slow down. Be safe, Ray.

Good advice for help losing weight.

2009-11-11T09:07:00.003-05:00

I mentioned in a past article that I spent some time as a personal fitness trainer. I got involved doing this after personally losing over 70 pounds and taking second place in a bodybuilding competition. This happened in 1996. Today I would like to share information that helped me accomplish this. Note that this plan may not work for everyone. Those with diabetes or strict food requirements may not be able to use this advice. Consult your personal physician before implementing this plan.

As a personal fitness trainer I realized the similarities shared amongst my clients as to why they were all over weight: Their lifestyle. By lifestyle I mean specifically what they ate and when they ate it. We have enormous control over own own body's metabolism. It can be manipulated in three ways: 1. The amount of food eaten. 2. The content. 3. The frequency by which we eat.

For example: Let's say that you are a working individual. You go to a job every day. You leave your house every day without eating breakfast. You wait until 12:00--1:00 p.m. to have lunch. If you didn't bring lunch, you will have to eat out. Your choices are quite limited if you only have a certain allotted time to eat. So, you eat fast food every day. When you arrive home, other aspects of life take precedence and dinner is not served until 6:00 or 7:00 p.m.. You consume a large meal, relax on the couch watching 'survivor' until you hit the sack at 10:00 p.m. Congratulations! You have the metabolism of a dead person, the main reason why you are overweight. If you continue to live this way, you will grow steadily heavier each year. There is one way to reverse this process: Change your lifestyle.

To explain how to do this let's examine the three ways to manipulate your metabolism starting with the frequency by which you eat. This is the biggest impact on metabolic rate. Eating only twice a day slows metabolism to a crawl. Eating FIVE times a day speeds it up. Eating five times a day with THREE HOUR INTERVALS is the best frequency for maximizing your metabolism.

Now let's examine the amount of food to eat. If you are now eating five times a day, every three hours BUT you are consuming enough food each time to feed a small nation, you're eating too much. A SMALL PORTION is what you are striving for. Each portion should take no longer than five minutes to eat. Or if you prefer, enough food to almost fill a nine inch dish. Basically, eat just enough food to fill you, but still feel a bit hungry when you're done. This will help you look forward to your next meal three hours away.

Finally, it's time to examine content. Because this aspect will be different for everyone, I will provide you with the basic formula, you will provide the ingredients. But first you will have to alter your perception of what constitutes 'breakfast,' 'lunch' and 'supper.' To accomplish this simply view your meals as MEAL #1, MEAL #2, MEAL #3 and so on. You will have to greatly expand what you used to consider as traditional 'breakfast' foods to include a GREATER VARIETY.

Here is the formula for your five meals:
MEAL # 1. You want to eat foods high in protein, carbohydrates and fat. WHAT? Do you think I'm insane? I may be but not when it comes to this. Protein enriched foods help feed your body's muscles and muscles burn fat most efficiently when energy is called for. So, eating a large amount of protein during the day is ESSENTIAL to weight loss. This first meal must also contain a large amount of carbohydrates. Why? The carbs you eat for breakfast help supply your body with energy during the course of the day. Do you know how sometimes you get sleepy around 2:30-3:00 p.m.? It's because your body is running out of carbs to burn. This is why it's important to eat carbs for breakfast. You must also include foods high in fat in meal # 1. Your body REQUIRES a certain amount of fat to help with different functions.

MEAL #2. As with meal #1, you'll want to eat a large amount of protein. You will also eat a medium amount of carbohydrates but you will NOT EAT foods high in fat if possible. There will be fat included in the food you choose for meal #2, so try to limit those foods that are naturally high in fat. Red meat is the highest with chicken, turkey and fish being the lowest.

MEAL #3. As with meals 1 and 2, keep your protein intake high. Now you will cut your carb intake down considerably. And again, no fat or very low fat foods for this meal.

MEALS #4 and 5. These meals you'll want to eat only foods high in protein if possible. These are the two hardest meals to get accustomed to. If you simply must eat some carbs, eat a small salad or some steamed vegetables with these meals.

Eating this way on a daily basis will help you lose weight. When you finally reach your goal weight and want to maintain that weight, simply add a SMALL amount of foods containing carbohydrates into meals 4 and 5. If you start to gain weight again, simply adjust the amount of carbs for those meals.

Here are some tips:
If you are not sure or confused about which foods contain protein, carbohydrates or fat, this information is available in book stores and on the internet. Don't rely on friend's or relative's advice. Go to the source.

Eating 5 times a day means lots of food preparation. Do this during the weekends or evenings. Cook large amounts of food each time and then separate it out into convenient bags for travel. Usually, meals 1 and 5 will be eaten at home so this is not a problem. The other 3 will have to be mobile unless you eat out for lunch. Remember to adhere to the formula as much as possible so make wise choices in restaurants or diners.

If possible, try to eat meal 5 no later than 7:00 pm.

Drink plenty of water during the day. When drinking water with your meal do not drink water as you eat. Drink some water after you have consumed your meal. Why? Because water dilutes your natural stomach acids. Ideally, what you want is for your food to be well coated and absorbed in this acid before diluting it with water.

Keep salt intake as low as possible. Salt retains water in these proportions: 1 part salt retains 100 parts water. So keep salt out of your meals if possible.

After the third or fourth day of implementing your lifestyle change, you will wake up very hungry. This is the first sign that your metabolism has sped up and you should start seeing the first signs of weight loss. Do not get discouraged and do not step on the scale every day. Check your weight every month for a true barometer of your progress.

Here's a tip just for the ladies: Do you know those days when you just crave sweets and chocolate? Try to refrain from eating those at night but include them in meal # 1. Your body will most likely burn off these BAD foods during the course of the day. Try not to make it into a habit.

If some of you readers out there decide to implement my plan, write into a comment box that you are, so I and everyone else can follow your progress and please pass along tips that you have discovered along the way. Best of luck, Ray.

WORLD'S BEST ADVICE FOR MEN : THINGS TO BUY YOUR WOMAN FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

2009-11-09T15:46:00.006-05:00

*Editor's note: As a rule I prefer my advice to be all-inclusive whenever possible. Due to the fact that today, with so many relationship choices, i.e., man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, man and sheep, woman and vibrator, it would be impossible to advise all the combinations because of time constraints and page constraints. Some of the following content may apply to you and some may not. If you feel left out, I extend my apologies.--ed.

Men, what I am about to share with you is better than knowing in advance who's going to win next year's World Series. I have the answers to the question you have been asking since the moment you exited the womb: What the hell do I buy my wife for her birthday? But, before I supply you with this priceless advice, we must first make sure that the definition of the term 'birthday present' in regards to your wife is understood by all.

The following are by all means NOT examples of birthday gifts for her:
1) A new lawn mower.
2) A vacuum cleaner.
3) A garden hose.
4) A weed whacker.
5) A three ton floor jack, a mechanics 'creeper' or a 'Snap On' five drawer fifty-two inch tall tool box.
6) ANYTHING that once belonged to YOUR mother.
7) A new set of tires for her car.
8) Fifty yard line box seat season tickets to ANY NFL games.
9) A shopping cart full of stuff from the 'Dollar' store. It's all about quality, not quantity.

Now that we understand that it's HER birthday and it's not about YOU, let's continue.

Here are my suggestions:
1) A personal massage gift certificate. As long as your lady is not opposed to being semi-naked in front of anyone but you, you're in!

2) Sexy underwear. Did you ever walk by a 'Victoria's Secret' and notice all the guys in there? Guess what? They know something you don't: Women love it when YOU buy them sexy underwear. They enjoy buying them for themselves but the impact is not the same. Why? Because they know how much you hate to shop, let alone in a store full of lace, spandex, satin, and leather. Don't have any clue as to what size she wears? It's very simple Sherlock: Go into your bedroom, open the top drawer of her dresser and remove a bunch. Her size is listed on most tags. Now, write that down before you forget it!

3) Smelly stuff. Don't know what your lady's preferred perfume is? Unless she is bone dry, you should find some bottles either in the bedroom or the bathroom. If she has a dressing room or a dressing table, you might find them there too. If you should decide to ' wing it' and buy her something other than what she wears, a word of advice: Perfume is like art. It's very personal. Just because you like the smell of it at the department store doesn't mean that she might not hurl when she gets her first whiff.

4) Women collect things. Some women like to collect all sorts of useless objects. We have no clue why. Maybe it's so that after we dopey men blow up the world, they'll actually have a use for all that stuff. Until then, we can use these collections to 'add on.' She will just love one more ceramic elephant.

5) A full day 'spa' package. This, she will love. Mud on her face, goop in her hair, paint on her nails, strips of hot wax on her nether regions and sandpaper rubbed on her feet. Who wouldn't love this?! What we consider torture, they consider a 'tune up.'

6) The watch. Women have been using this simple solution as to what to by US for years. It's time to turn the tables. Buy her a nice watch. If she's into 'Disney' characters, find a watch with characters on the face. Same goes for 'Winnie the Pooh,' 'Snuggles,' and 'Care bears.'

7) Listen for hints!! She knows what an oaf you are, and your lack of imagination, so she'll drop subtle little hints throughout the course of the year in regards to her birthday. When she does this, WRITE THEM DOWN! You might have a decent list compiled by the time her big day arrives.

8) Sports accessories. Does you lady like to bowl, ice skate, ski, fish, hunt or go camping? Purchase some personal accessories for her sport or hobby. A tent does not apply. A one person sleeping bag does.

9) Clothing accessories. Notice, I typed ACCESSORIES. These include: Gloves, scarves, ear muffs ( in her favorite color, of course) and socks. Steer clear of shoes, hats, pocket books, purses, belts and bras. Unless you like to live dangerously.

10) A clothing store gift card. Yes, cash disguised as plastic. Go shopping with her and give her your input on what she's trying on. Better yet, shop FOR HER while in the store giving her a sense of your style. This will help her pick out things to wear in the future if she cares to dress for you. DO NOT EXPECT THIS! If she does, consider it a special gift to you.

One more thing: NEVER EVER purchase a vibrator for her. Once she realizes that there is something out there that can satisfy her for more than three minutes, never run out of energy (until the batteries go dead) or roll over and go to sleep, you are history. Happy shopping!

How to get married ---------on a budget!

2009-11-08T12:04:00.006-05:00

Remember back in the good old days when people had money? You could buy a house, a car, a big screen television, a whirlwind vacation, get married. Today it's so bad that individuals who used to be billionaires are now only millionaires. Boy, life is tough. But life goes on. Let's say for instance that you want to get married. You've finally found your perfect mate. The love of your life. Someone who shares your likes and dislikes. Someone who DOES eat tree bark or believes in the healing power of crystals or who thinks that an UZI is a 'must have' fashion accessory. Your 'soul mate.' So, what do you do to tie the knot without spending a fortune? If you're a woman, getting hitched for the first time and your last name is Getty, Trump, Rockefeller, or Kennedy, skip this article and go shopping. But if you're a young couple just starting out or you're two divorcees who've 'been there, done that,' the following advice may save you thousands on your wedding costs.

1) Invitations. Let's face it: Do you really need old English script on antique white parchment paper that contains two white doves that are released when the intended guest opens it? Overkill. Of course you could entertain using the other side of the spectrum: Pen ink written requests on cocktail napkins sent by carrier pigeon. What? TOO tacky you say? How about something in the middle? Make your own! Today's personal computers have software installed in them that enables the user to create a customized invitation. It's not hard to do. After you've configured your 'invite' all you need to do now is drive down to your nearest office supply store and buy 'card stock.' A box of 60 costs around $20.00. Simply put the card stock in your printer and watch it print out your invitations. Fold them, stick them in an envelope and you're done.

2) Your dress, his tux. Does it have to be white? Does it have to be new? Does it have to be yours? A formal white evening gown is a viable option. They are considerably less expensive than a conventional wedding dress and you can get more use out of it. What about finding a used one on Craigslist or EBay? How about renting one for the day. There are plenty of websites that let you rent one for the day. Does your intended own a nice suit? If he doesn't, how about a friend or family member. Borrowing or buying a nice suit can be cheaper than renting a tux for the day.

3) The place. Do you absolutely have to get married in a church or chapel? Most churches and or priests charge a pretty substantial fee for this service. To save money, consider having a justice of the peace marry you both. Arrange to have the marriage ceremony performed in the same place that your reception will be held. This saves your guests from having to find some place to go in between the ceremony and the reception. Don't have the money to rent an expensive catering hall for your reception? What about an upscale restaurant with a large private room. How about a local hotel or motel with a nice conference room? Book traveling relatives or friends there and save them the hassle of trying to find an address in a strange city or town. Would you consider a 'Knights of Columbus' hall or a 'Moose lodge' or a V.F.W. hall to house your reception? Most of these places have kitchens inside their meeting halls which will allow you to bring in your own food. Getting creative can sometimes save you thousands.

4) The food. Having friends or relatives volunteer to cook food for your wedding decreases your costs too. Most restaurants offer outside catering services to most any location. They sometimes provide waitresses and servers for you. Don't have enough money in the budget to feed everyone? Consider spending a little bit more for your wedding cake. Most wedding cakes are nothing more than plain chocolate or vanilla cake mix with a sugar frosting on top. Boring and forgetful. Serve your guests a cake TO DIE FOR! Choose many layers with mouth watering fillings. Black forest cake and German chocolate cake are two examples. Serve coffee, tea and soda instead of alcohol. Provide those new 'designer' potato chips, pretzels and a choice of dips to go with the meal. If alcohol is a must, purchase bottles from a supplier if possible and buy your mixers from a 'bulk' store like SAM'S or B.J.'s Wholesale club.

5) The ride there. Do you really have to take a limo from your home to your wedding ceremony? Does a friend or family member own a large sedan or s.u.v.? How about someone with a classic car or roadster? Imagine pulling up in a model 'T' or a 1968 Chevy Camaro.

6) Photos or video. Hiring a professional photographer can be expensive. Since practically everyone on the planet owns a digital camera, cell phone camera, or small hand-held video camera, include a little blurb on your invitation suggesting that everyone who plans to attend bring something along. Another great idea is to purchase those inexpensive single-use film cameras that you can buy for about $5.00 each and place one or two on each table where your guests will be seated. Leave a little note next to them inviting them to take as many pictures of your happy occasion as they'd like. The cost for developing them will be cheaper in the long run. As your guests depart supply them with your email address and ask them to send you the pictures they've taken. Load film stock paper in your home printer and press 'print.' You'll have enough to fill an album in no time. Or, download them onto a CD and send everyone a copy. Oh, and keep one for yourself.

7) The rings. Big tip here: SHOP AROUND!! Prices on rings vary greatly from store to store. Do they have to be gold? 10ct gold is a viable option. How about titanium, sterling silver or stainless steel? Has a parent or relative passed down a ring to you? Consider using one of these.

8) Wedding favors. Can't afford hand blown glass figurines as wedding favors for your guests? Time to get inventive. Try purchasing a roll of colored cellophane film like the kind you wrap Easter baskets in. Cut it into 10' by 10' squares, make a pouch out of it and fill the pouch with Hershey kisses and a one dollar gold coin. The bank sells these for a dollar. Tie the pouch up in ribbon and 'voila,' you have a wedding favor. Your guests can keep the coin as a souvenir or spend it at the 'dollar store'! Good luck and best wishes.

When it's no longer necessary to speak

2009-11-07T17:10:00.001-05:00

The Queens, New York neighborhood that I grew up in during the sixties, easily numbered between 50 and 60 kids. We were an adolescent melting pot consisting of Italians, Germans, Irish, English and Africans. Most of us were second or third generation, and we all spoke English. When we weren’t in school, or confined by inclement weather, we were outside because that’s where everything happened. It would not be uncommon to see thirty kids playing tag or stick ball. We would discuss amongst ourselves all the topics of importance: who had the most baseball cards? Who received a new bike for their birthday? Who knew anything about the birds and the bees? Who wanted to be what when they grew up? Our mothers would stand on their porches and call out for us at dinner time, and after literally inhaling our food, we’d practically tear the screen door off its hinges trying to get back to our friends. The only delay would be the obligatory questions from our parents in regards to our day. Outside, we’d play various games until dark until our numbers started to dwindle as our mothers would once again emerge, yell and depart.
No one feared the outside world. If a stranger ever wandered down our street looking for trouble, a child to prey on, he was met by an undivided front, fearless in the protection of one of its own. If all of our collective parents didn’t know each other by name, you can bet they knew the names of every kid from our block. We were a community. If somebody fell ill, or got caught up in drugs, or was in a family crisis, we cared. There were no secrets. We’d never think twice about gathering at someone’s home to offer our help. We held block parties, birthday parties and sleepovers. Our mothers played cards with each other on Wednesday nights and volunteered their time to be den mothers when we became cub scouts. At night, in our homes, we’d watch television together, laugh together, talk to each other.
Fast forward to today. Seldom do you see children playing outside. A child will spend hours alone with a “Game Boy” or “X-Box” or a “Wii.” And those are not exclusively for children. Adults will not hesitate to do the same. A lot of teenagers have discovered “online gaming,” where many of them can log on to a game screen and using a microphone and an assumed name, can communicate with each other while gunning down various antagonists. All while safely alone in their rooms. I can’t speak for anyone else, but the whole concept just creeps me out.
Today we have Facebook and Myspace where kids and adults volunteer personal information about themselves while silently waiting for someone to come along, notice them and then start to “chat,” letting their keyboards do all the work. The days of, “Tell so and so that I like them,” are gone. So are formal introductions. And then there’s email, which has practically replaced the telephone and the spoken word as the new means of communication. No longer do you have to look someone in the eye and tell them they’re fired. Or, you don’t love them anymore. Or, a loved one has died. You can safely hide behind your keyboard, express any thought or emotion, and never say a word. Today, a conversation between two people using their mouths and ears is almost as outdated as a cassette tape.
How did we ever survive without a cell phone? A marvel of our time. The freedom to talk to virtually anyone, anywhere at anytime and how have we, as thinking mammals with functioning voice boxes exploited its versatility? By “text messaging” each other. Genius! Again, we can sidestep the intimate quality of the human voice and read our messages instead.
There are countless numbers of websites that help you find friends, lovers and trysts. No longer do you have to wash up, dress up, and mosey on down to the local bar, supermarket, bookstore, church, or restaurant to meet someone new. Your keystrokes will break the ice and you can pour your heart out to cyberspace. Granted, for those amongst us who are painfully shy this is a godsend, but there is no substitute for the excitement you feel when you are face to face with someone new, look them in the eye and say, “It’s really nice to meet you!”
My opinion is that the modernized human race is slowly evolving into a species that will eventually come full circle. Thousands of years ago we started out as individuals living in caves with no formal means of verbal communication. Slowly, over time, we learned to speak common sounds that would translate into language. From there we taught each other, shared ideas, and connected with each other. We became a community. But the gameboy and online gaming and dating sites and personal sites and emails and text messaging require little to no oral communication. We can isolate ourselves and not have to speak to each other. All sense of community will be lost. We will revert back to what we were: alone, in our caves typing away as our keyboards do all the talking. I can see it now: I’m ninety, in a nursing home and I’m trying to get an attendant’s attention. My bedpan needs to be emptied, but keyboard is useless because, just my luck, I have arthritic fingers. People, talk to each other!

* Used with permission by The Next 50.

CAR TIPS: GAS MILEAGE, WINTER DRIVING, DO IT YOURSELF

2009-11-06T15:31:00.005-05:00

Gas prices have started climbing again. It's us against them. Every mile we can squeeze out of a gallon of gas, we win. Here are some helpful tips; some you may know and others you may not.

1) TIRES. Pressure is the key word here and how it affects mileage. During spring, summer and fall, inflate your tires to 4-5 pounds BELOW the maximum recommended pressure printed on the side of each tire. Can't find that information anywhere on the tire? That's because the manufacturer doesn't want you too. Properly inflated tires last longer than improperly inflated tires. It's a no-brainer here. In the automotive world, 32 pounds of pressure is an industry standard. Every garage, tire outlet, and wheel alignment shop all set tire pressure to this number. It's a conspiracy! So, who stands to gain from this practice? The tire manufacturers AND the oil companies. How does this seemingly trivial disparity affect your gas mileage? In two big ways: First, because it is made of rubber, the more air you pump into it, the larger it's circumference grows. And second, as this happens, because it is attached to the rim, the narrower it gets in the process. So what, you may say. Geometry, I say. Those of you who went to school and who actually stayed awake during math class know that as any circular object increases in circumference, the longer it takes to make one revolution. In this case, it covers more ground. Think about it: If your tire is 52" around at 32 pounds of pressure but at 40 pounds of pressure it grows to 52 1/2" around, you cover an extra half inch with every revolution. Now, a half inch may not seem like a lot but over the course of a mile it adds up. How about an extra 50 feet per mile! So, think about how much extra ground you would cover on a 400 mile trip. This translates to more miles per gallon. In this article I mention how a tire gets narrower the more it inflates. How does this help MPG? Well, a narrower tire has less surface area as it rolls along the pavement creating less friction between the tire and road. And we all know what friction does: it slows you down. When tire friction slows you down, your engine has to work harder to keep it at speed. Using more gas. Can you feel your wallet emptying as we speak?

********************IMPORTANT WINTER TIP********************
When bad winter weather approaches and the roads become hazardous, LOWER THE AIR PRESSURE in your tires! What! Didn't I just tell you to pump them up? Yes, but in winter driving with slick and slippery roads, you need as much tire rubber making contact with the road as possible. This increases traction. No, not the traction that comes with a hospital bed, a rope and some pulleys. The traction you'll need to keep your car on the road. How much to take out? It varies from tire to tire but inflating them to just above half of what the maximum is, should do the trick. Is your gas mileage going to get worse now? Not really. You will tend to drive more slowly during these times so it should all balance out.
One more thing: Make sure your car's alignment is correct. An improperly aligned tire will create added friction and we know what that does.

2) Slow down, Mario Andretti! Would you like to see a SIGNIFICANT increase in your gas mileage? Would you like to see me pull a rabbit out of a hat? I never COULD master that trick, but I can tell you how to do the first one. While you are driving, unless you are merging onto a highway, pulling a heavy load, or fleeing pursuing law enforcement (O.J. Simpson excluded) there is no reason to rev your engine to more than half it's rev potential. What's a rev? The actual definition is unimportant here but to say that your ENGINE'S speed is measured in revs. If your car is equipped with a TACHOMETER, that device tells you how fast your engine is going. When it comes to miles per gallon, the goal here is to keep your engine running slowly. Why? Fast engine= more gas. Slow engine= less gas. Pick the best one out of the two. How do you keep your engine slow? Short shift. If you are driving a standard shift car, and you want to accelerate from a dead stop, you DO NOT have to rev the engine all the way up until it screams. Shifting from gear to gear every time your car reaches 2000 on your tachometer will GREATLY improve your gas mileage. Granted, your right hand and arm will be moving faster than you've been accustomed to but think of the savings!!
Here's another tip: DO NOT down shift to slow your car down. The gas money you save far outweighs the cost of brake pads.

3) THE AIR FILTER. A dirty air filter restricts air flow to your engine. Your engine mixes gas and air to make it run. Less air= more gas. Replacing your car's air filter is something you, the reader, can do yourself. Hey, don't run away, come back here. It's not as hard as you think. The hard part is FINDING it. Years ago when engines had carburetors, the air filter sat inside the big black round thing that sat on top of the middle of your engine. You would unscrew a wing nut, lift off the top and 'voila', there it was. It was round and dirty. On today' s cars they could be anywhere.
Look for them to be inside a plastic box of some sort. It might be a round box (huh?) or a square box. It will have duct work (huh?) leading from the front top or bottom of the engine compartment. Look for something with large, removable metal clips that you would undo to lift out something or to separate something. If all else fails, call your brother-in-law. He's not busy anyway. When you do find it, remove it, stomp it to death for costing you so much in gas money and replace it with a new one.

4) WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU REPLACED YOUR ANTI-FREEZE? If you don't remember, you're overdue. The industry standard is about every two years. Keeping your car from over heating and freezing in the winter time is important. Why? It keeps you from walking.

How to paint the inside of your house like a professional

2009-11-05T11:49:00.003-05:00

Paint. An ugly five letter word. Not in regards to liquid colors in cans, but more specifically to "The act of." Nobody likes to paint. Not even painters. Why do you think some of them drink all day! But occasionally it has to be done and somebody's got to do it. I HAD to do it as part of owning a business but in the interim, I became a MASTER painter. So here, now, in this forum, I will share my painting knowledge. (Ladies, at this point, warm up the printer, you'll want to copy this." The following is strictly for painting the INTERIOR only.

1) Tools you will need.
A four foot extension pole. You will use this to paint the ceiling and walls.
An 18" roller holder. This device screws on to the end of the extension pole and adjusts to fit the 18" roller sleeve. Why an 18" roller? It is easily THREE times faster than a nine inch roller AND it covers more evenly leaving less paint 'lines' caused by excessive paint at the rollers ends.
1 wide paint pan that accommodates an 18" roller.
1 9" roller handle and sleeve for small areas like closets and narrow areas.
1 4" roller handle and a bag of roller sleeves. These are fabric sleeves that come with a hole at one end to attach to the roller and fabric covering the other end enabling you to paint both sides of an INSIDE corner at once.
1 2" angled brush. This is a brush whose bristles have been cut at an angle. Here's an important tip: buy the most expensive brush your supplier offers in this size. It performs an important task and you will have it forever (granted you clean it after each use.) What is this important task? You will use it to paint a crisp, clean line between walls and ceilings or between walls and molding.
A ladder comes in handy as does tarps, lights, rags, a radio, some beer. The beer is to celebrate when you are finished. No drinking on the job!

The following is for painting NEW CONSTRUCTION (unfinished, sanded drywall) and REPAINTS (changing existing colors of a room.)

Priming the room. I always suggest priming a painted room with primer. If deep colors cover the walls, primer re-seals them and it will take less coats of new paint to cover them. Here's a tip: have your paint supplier tint the primer to match the color you've picked. It's free and it will take less coats of color in the long run. Use white primer if your ceilings will be white. Let's get started.

When priming a room I always start with the ceiling. By now, you should have your 18" roller all set up and ready to go. Fill the paint tray. Extend the extension pole two feet out and dip the roller sleeve into the paint. Do not excessively cover the sleeve with paint but roll it until it's evenly coated. Start painting in a corner of the ceiling keeping the roller from rolling directly over your head. Having the poles total length of six feet helps accomplish this AND it keeps paint from falling in your hair. Long, smooth, strokes are what you want as you spread the paint over and over the same area until you have good coverage. An 18" roller covers a large area quickly so it's important to keep rolling until all the paint 'lines' are gone. You will find this task much easier than with a nine inch roller.
Time for the walls. Contract the extension pole back to 4' and start the walls. Load the sleeve up and place it on the wall approx. 8" from the floor and roll it straight up to the ceiling in one long movement. Roll back down the same way moving left to right a little bit each time you make a pass. One dip in the pan will cover a swath about 24 to 26" wide so remember to roll until those paint 'lines' are gone. Start the next swath of paint about 3" away from the previous swath starting 8" from the floor again. Roll left to right covering the space between the old swath. Don't forget: long, straight, smooth strokes are what you want. Here's a tip: DON'T ROLL TOO FAST!! Physics teaches us that a spinning cylinder covered in liquid tends to rid itself of liquid in projectile fashion. You'll have less paint splatters the slower you go.

So, now that you've painted the walls and ceiling, it's time to 'cut in' the inside corners. Grab your 4" roller handle and slide a 4" roller sleeve on it. Dip the roller in a small tray making sure to cover the fabric end of the roller sleeve amply. Starting near the floor, position the roller into the corner and move up the walls. Notice how the rollers end paints the wall adjacent to the wall with the 4" body of the roller? Long, straight strokes are what you want. Now, take the roller and reverse it so that the fabric end is now painting the opposite wall. Use a good amount of paint on the sleeve each time you start a new spot. Roll out ALL the inside corners in this fashion.

Now that you've primed and cut the room, it's time to paint with color. If you are painting the ceiling in flat ceiling white, paint it exactly the way you primed it. If you are painting the ceiling the same color to match the walls, skip this step.

After you've painted the ceiling with flat white it's now time to 'cut' the ceiling. You will use the 4" roller handle but with a new sleeve (or wash out the old one thoroughly.) How you 'cut' the ceiling is like this: Dip the 4" roller into the tray but not very deeply. You DON'T want any paint on the fabric tip this time. If a little gets on it's okay but try to keep it as dry as possible. Roll off any excess and place the roller on the ceiling rolling the dry fabric end against against the wall. Again, long, straight strokes and roll the paint smoothly over the already painted ceiling so as to cover evenly. You may get a small amount of paint on the wall, but do not worry about this. 'Cut' the ceiling to all the walls in this fashion. Congratulations, the ceiling is DONE!! Now for the walls!

Paint the walls precisely the way you primed them only this time, make SURE you stop short of getting paint on the ceiling. Get as close as you can without touching. After the walls are painted, it's time to 'cut' the walls to each other. Get your 4" roller and a new sleeve. Repeat cutting the walls the same fashion as you primed them. Keep the small roller from hitting the ceiling too. After the walls are 'cut' it's time to 'cut' the walls to the ceiling. This is where the job gets tough. It requires a ladder, good lighting and a steady hand. Pay close attention to my instructions.
Almost fill a large, round container with paint. The size of a 'BIG GULP' container. Take your 2" angled brush. Dip the brush half way into the paint. Remove the brush and slide one whole side of it against the container removing all the paint from one side. Apply the paint loaded side of the brush to the wall. Note: place the brush about 2" below the ceiling on the wall. The brush should almost be laying flat against the wall. At this angle and by pushing on the brush slightly, the angled bristles fall into line behind each other creating a thin line of bristle. Slowly glide the brush over the wall keeping pressure on it to keep the bristles straight and in line. The paint should come off the brush in a pretty straight line. Practice this on the wall for a bit and slowly get closer and closer to the ceiling. As you get closer to the ceiling be careful not to let the brush touch. The paint you have applied will be dripping by now so take the brush and using the flat part of it, spread the dripping paint evenly on the wall. This technique takes practice, but once you have mastered it, you will never need to tape a wall or corner again. Keep practicing on the wall beneath the ceiling until you can paint almost a straight line. You will do the exact same thing to 'cut' your walls to base molding, or door and window molding. Remember to wash out any brushes, pans or trays in a timely fashion. Good luck, Ray

The 'DO' and 'DON'T' of Internet Dating

2009-11-04T10:29:00.005-05:00

For all you folks out there in cyberland, either in the middle of or about to embark on using Internet dating sites as a way to get shot in the butt by 'Cupid', here is some invaluable advice.
1) Pick a site. Gee, how they have multiplied! Today, there are plenty to choose from. Some sites act as nothing more than a database where you the user do all the work, navigating from profile to profile trying to determine winners from losers, sane from stark raving mad, saints from sinners. If challenges are what you seek out of life, go with these. Other sites require you to fill out PAGES AND PAGES of information regarding EVERYTHING from 'favorite color' to 'if you saw a person crossing the street carrying a 'WOOLWORTH'S' bag and they were hit by a speeding ambulance carrying a heart attack victim whose wife cheats on him, would you shop at 'WOOLWORTH'S'? THESE sites do most of the matchmaking chores for you providing you with the number one person for you on the planet. Good luck with that! I'm a strong believer in balance, so find a site that helps as much as possible but gives you plenty of options. Remember, variety is the spice of life. I think a Sultan said that.
2) LIES, LIES, NOTHING BUT LIES! Everyone knows what a lie is. Our mothers taught us about those. Remember how soap tastes? Sorry to bring back painful memories but I had to make a point. Every site you choose will make you fill out a PROFILE. This is what represents you to the love searching world. This is where you will provide pertinent information about yourself. This is where you will lie! And we all know about lies. They can lie dormant for years until one day they show up at your door. Then, the truth comes out. So, where am I going with this? When filling out your initial profile information you will be confronted with questions like: AGE, BODY TYPE, PERSONALITY, LIKES AND DISLIKES, etc., etc. You will be given a list of choices to answer all of these questions. This is where you'll want to lie, but this is the most important place to be honest. 'AGE' is the easiest place to lie. Don't fall into this trap. If you type in 41 but in reality look like your grandmother or grandfather, there's going to be some 'splaning to do. Nobody likes surprises. Under 'BODY TYPE', if you've put on a few extra pounds since high school graduation, be honest. Type it in. If you are so thin that your feet leave the ground when the wind blows, type that too. Again, no one likes surprises. Be honest about your 'LIKES' and 'DISLIKES' choices too. If you click on the 'CANDLES' choice for 'LIKES' and the only wax that can be found in your house is in your ears, YOU'RE LYING!
3) DON'T SPILL THE BEANS! It is not necessary to write every single nuance about yourself. Leave something for the imagination. Be a little mysterious. Not, 'UNI BOMBER' mysterious, but leave some things out for later conversations, or for revelations during that ride to 'meet the parents'. Save some of yourself so you'll be interesting. If not, you'll have nothing to say to each other during that all important 'first date'. Can you say, "Awkward silence?"
4) FOOLS RUSH IN! Anybody know the difference between love and infatuation? Good!, so you all know that a small profile picture and some words on paper don't always measure up when face to face. Let's say that you've found someone interesting on your dating site and they are interested in you too. You've spent a week and a half exchanging emails, chatting on the phone, flirting a little and a fondness has developed between you. Finally, the night of the big date comes. You meet, but after five minutes you both realize there is NO chemistry between you and sadly you both go home feeling lonely and depressed. Happens all the time. One way to keep this from happening is to limit email and phone conversations between you and your new 'possible' but meet each other at a neutral, busy place like a coffee shop or a bookstore. Set up the meeting after only a few days so as to not have too many expectations unmet. In essence, keep your heart guarded until you've met and let nature take it's natural course.
5) IT'S A NUMBERS GAME! The odds that you'll meet Mr./Ms. right on the first date are like me getting a guest shot on 'OPRAH'(but there's always hope!) Take it from me, you are going to go on a lot of dates before you hit the jackpot. And this is good. It will keep you from 'settling' on the first person with a pulse. And whatever you do, NEVER ACCEPT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL ON THE FIRST DATE! Unless of course, the other person has a Lear jet, chateau in the Swiss alps and a Ferrari!
Happy hunting. Ray.

Help me rid the world of "You know," "Like" and "umm"

2009-11-03T13:31:00.004-05:00

There is something that drives me crazy besides trying to figure out why the "Kardashian" women are famous. It's when people incessantly use the fillers, "You know," "Like" and "Umm" while conversing. Umm, like, you know what I'm talking about? You never see people include these words on paper(unless being quoted)so how come they are spoken nonetheless? Because these words are now part of our vocabulary, our culture. We hear everyone else around us using them and so sub-consciously we use them too. And it's only when someone else points out to YOU that you are doing it that you realize it. One afternoon I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, the one that starts in S and ends in S when I happened to over hear a conversation between a smartly dressed older man and a young woman. They sat right behind me so eavesdropping was unavoidable. After noticing a few "You knows" coming from the young woman who was obviously a college student I started to count them. Sometimes I couldn't count them fast enough which made me laugh, but not loud enough to draw attention to myself. After twenty minutes I had to leave the coffee shop to run an errand but not before counting 157 "You knows" before leaving. I left them there still talking, racking up even more YK's after I left. So what are we to do? You may read this and think me a snobbish intellectual, but I, like others had fallen into the same trap myself. It takes a constant awareness of monitoring my own speech to not utter some YK's. Yet I still slip. Is this a problem on the scale of global warming? No, but habitually using these fillers slows a conversation down, slowly grates on the others involved in the conversation and ultimately makes the user look un-intelligent. The words "You know" and "Like" cannot be stricken from the English language. They still have meaning in the proper context. For example:Do YOU KNOW the way to San Jose'? I would LIKE to take you to bed. There really is no logical need for "Umm" You know?

5 things men need to know about women

2009-11-03T01:23:00.003-05:00

Men and women are inherently different, hence the term 'opposite sex.'This is no secret nor does it come as a surprise. Exactly how different we are varies from individual to individual but there are some basic truths that can be explored. Women can read men easier than a Dr. Seuss book but when it comes to men trying to figure out women it's like trying to understand 'Atlas Shrugged.'The following are five basic things that men need to know about women.
1)Sense of humor. Guys, did you ever wonder why we can sit for hours and laugh like mental patients at 'The Three Stooges' while women can't flee the room fast enough? Did you think it's because of the way we smell? Something burning on the stove? Nope, none of those. It's simply this: A Woman's brain is more sophisticated when it comes to discerning what is truly funny. Men, who are stimulated more by what is seen with the naked eye will find sight gags, pies in the face, and banana peel slips much more amusing than women. Women prefer their humor more cerebral and below the surface. They are selective and require more than just someone passing wind to elicit a smile. The C.I.A. of humor, if you will.
2) Confidence. There is a silent war being fought every day. Nobody dies and nobody wins. The war is between one woman and every other woman on the planet. Why? Because we've MADE them that way. You can tell a woman she's beautiful until you're blue in the face but she'll still think that you think that every other woman that catches your eye is prettier than her. You can spend years building up her confidence and easily take her to the basement in the blink of an eye. Admire another woman's face or figure too long and she'll feel small enough to crawl under a door. This is the battle that women face every day. How to be taller than, thinner than, tanner than, prettier than, younger than and less wrinkled than the next woman is their goal. Why? Because of what OUR expectations of what a woman should be. Just look around, it's everywhere. Magazine covers, clothing stores, movies, television, all tell them what they should look like and what men want. Men do not have this problem. They can be fat, bald, gray, toothless, hairy and un-employed yet still not have to compete with one another. The playing field is not level.
3)Arousal. A comedian once said, "Women need a reason to have sex;men just need a place!" There is no greater truth in the universe than this. Men, in case you didn't know it, lying there naked in bed with that stupid grin does NOT make your woman hunger for your loins. In fact, it just makes her laugh. For your woman to want you, certain steps have to be taken, needs to be met. First step, first need: the seed that plants the idea of making love has to be planted and for that she needs romance. What is romance? A loving look from your eyes to hers. Your hand gently upon her shoulder. Your fingers through her hair caressing her scalp. A soft, gentle kiss. Pulling her close to you and whispering, "I love you." Picking her up and carrying her into the bedroom (if she hasn't turned to butter by now) then lightly kissing her neck. For her, this is romance. This makes certain juices flow. This waters the seed that has been planted. The rest of this scenario I will leave to the imagination.
4) Shopping. Men shop with a pre-meditated purpose. Get in, buy what they need, get out. Done. Women don't really know what they want but they have a general idea. The problem is they have too many choices. Who can decide? They must try everything on. To see if it fits? Nope. To see if they'll look better in it than the woman next to them.(See # 2 above) The 'sale' is their ultimate goal. To see how much they can get for so little. It's a contest. We men will pay a kings ransom for a tee-shirt but a woman won't spend more than three bucks. It's the principle of the thing.
5)Why they cry for no apparent reason. There are various explanations for this. One is that their clothes are too tight. (see # 2 above) Another possible reason is that their shoes hurt. Men, put on a pair of heels and walk out to the mailbox. See what I mean? Another reason could be that they have gas. Really, think about it: When have you ever heard her pass wind? Never! She must be ready to explode! THAT might explain why they always go to the bathroom in pairs. I think I know why they cry. They are the reproducers of the world. A world in turmoil, run by men. Men who were babies conceived by them. They feel the guilt caused by the world in turmoil. Or maybe it's just that their shoes are too tight!

Increase your home equity--save money and do it yourself!

2009-11-02T16:08:00.003-05:00

So, who here thinks the recession is over? Raise your hands. I count no-one. We're all in agreement that the giant 'R' word is still looming over our heads. And, because of this, you may have lost some built-in equity associated with your home. But fear not: This thing will blow over and when it does your home will be marketable again. So, in the interim, here are 5 inexpensive upgrades that you the homeowner can do yourself to help increase your home's value.
1) Upgrade your bathroom. Second only to a total kitchen remodel, upgrading your bathroom is one thing that you yourself can do to build equity. Replacing that tacky, energy wasting light fixture with a more modern, energy saving fixture is one idea. How about yanking that old, wood and mirror medicine cabinet off the wall too. If you have adequate storage in your sink's vanity, opt for just hanging a round or oblong mirror in it's place. Do you still have those old, pitted, chrome plated towel hangers on the walls? Take them down. There are so many new styles to choose from. Most big box building supply stores have accessory packages that include towel rings, hangers and toilet paper holders all in one. A newer, modern vanity top is easy to install too. Don't forget a new, water-saving faucet to go with it. Add a new coat of semi-gloss paint and you are done. See, now doesn't that look better?!
2) Change-out the knobs or pulls on your kitchen cabinets. Self-explanatory here, simply by removing those ugly, outdated, pitted knobs and handles and replacing them with new modern ones, you can easily and afford ably change the look of your kitchen. Again, the big box stores will have lots of styles to choose from. Here's a tip: not all handles are the same width. Measure the distance between the screw holes for the proper replacement handle.
3) Paint. Oh, stop groaning. You know your house needs it. You might as well do it now. Re-painting the interior of your house is one of the most cost-effective projects that you can undertake. Paint your ceilings in flat ceiling white to hide any imperfections in the drywall finishing work. If you have youngsters, paint the walls in a satin finish. Dirt and fingerprints will wash off easier. If your rooms are small, keep the colors light. Dark colors always make a room feel like a cave. Oh, and PICK A NEUTRAL COLOR! The next owners may not like the Barney Dinosaur purple that you've picked out. Here's the best painting tip that you'll ever receive: Paint the ceiling and walls with an 18" roller. What, you've never seen one? That doesn't mean that they don't exist. Find them in the big box store. You'll need an extension pole, some 18" roller covers (I recommend 3/8" nap) and a WIDE paint tray. Look around the paint section carefully, they are there. Using an 18" setup will speed the job along AND it makes a mediocre painter into a superb painter. This I can personally attest to!
4) Install a Pergo floor. The latest thing in snap together flooring is not that hard to install and can dramatically change the look of a room. You will need to either borrow or buy a small, portable table saw, but let's face it, you've always wanted one so here's your chance. Follow the directions closely and you can't screw up. I advise using a helper for this project. Any extra pair of hands will do. This type of flooring is NOT recommended for wet locations i.e., bathrooms, mud rooms or basements that tend to flood during rainstorms or high tide. Wait for local sales in your area to purchase said flooring and remember to add 10% more to your square footage when purchasing.
5) Window treatments. So, exactly how long have those curtains been hanging on your windows? I don't care if they were your grandmothers', they are ugly and they smell like dust! Rip those suckers down! Here in this century, vertical blinds are the latest thing. Forget those pull down shades, those cheap plastic mini-blinds and the ugly curtains. Vertical blinds come in a variety of materials, colors and sizes. There are websites out there that offer custom made vertical blinds that are EXTREMELY affordable. All you do is pick your material, color and size. You determine size by measuring height and width. The website will give detailed instructions on how to do this. Installation of these custom blinds is very easy too, with easy to follow step by step instructions. Again, pick a neutral color because these will stay with the house when sold. A nicely trimmed window always makes a good impression on a potential buyer. Good luck, Ray

What NOT to say to your lady -------for men only!

2009-11-02T08:45:00.002-05:00

This post is for men only so I'll wait while all the women reading this leave the room. hum....hum...hum...la-de-da....hum....hum.. I think they are all gone now.
Men, and I use the term loosely, listen up. The following advice will help save your life. How many times has your girlfriend/fiance'/wife/boyfriend (I don't discriminate) come home from work in a BADDD mood and you've said the absolutely most wrong thing to say causing that, "I'm going to castrate you in your sleep!" look?? What? I can't hear you with your feet in your mouths. Oh!, that many! Pathetic! The following is what NOT to say AND examples of what TO say to your lady. Now, pay attention.
1) "Yeah? You think you had a bad day, well let me tell you about what happened at.........." Wrong, wrong wrong. Your lady has had a bad day. Any number of things could have gone wrong for her. You have no idea the crap she has to deal with on a daily basis. Right now it's about HER. The last thing she wants to hear is how bad your day was. Usually, a woman will mellow a bit during the ride home and let some steam escape. If she walks through the door with smoke emanating from her eyes, the ride home wasn't long enough. What she needs now is compassion and understanding. Women are emotional creatures with sometimes raging hormones that we as men cannot comprehend. The right thing to say is, "Hi honey, you look like you've had a bad day. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you" Then, give her a big hug. Now, how hard was that?
2) "Hey, are you going to cook tonight or what?" Bad, bad, bad. Where is your brain? Most working women do not make the same salary as men for performing the same job. They are sometimes expected to "Run get coffee,"Pick out a nice birthday present for my wife" and "so and so is leaving, we need a going away cake." President Lincoln might have freed the slaves but some women are still on parole. The last thing she wants to hear while in this foul mood is if she will be expected to perform one more task. Later on, the chore of cooking dinner for you both might not seem like such a bad request but right now, after proposing the aforementioned request, if she had an UZI, you'd look like Swiss cheese. A few choices of the RIGHT thing to say could be: "You look tired. Should I call for a pizza?" "What say we go to that nice, quiet place where we met for dinner?" And the number one thing you could say is, "How about I cook for you tonight?" Then, get out the candles, put on a Sinatra C.D. and roll up your sleeves. She'll think your body's been inhabited by aliens but you will look like Prince Charming in her eyes.
3) "Man! do I get horny when you're angry!" You'd better hide the knives after that one, Einstein! What are you thinking with, the big head or the little one? You'd better get a clue because a woman's libido and your libido are on two separate planets. The way into a woman's pants is through her mind, but right now her one goal is how to kill you but not stain the carpet. Later on, after you've cooked her dinner and shared a bottle of wine, she might be inclined to jump your bones but right now the cookie jar is sealed with a padlock. There really is no right thing to say. She has to cool down, unwind, de-compress. You want to help in that process? Actions speak louder than words. Find a large piece of paper, draw a 'Happy face' on it and hand it to her. Or, run out into the backyard, grab the first flower you see and hand it to her. Doesn't matter if it's a weed, to her it's just the thought. I hope I've been a help and pass along this information to your dopey friends so as to help them too. Bye.

Recession over? Not by a long shot. Part 3

2009-11-01T10:26:00.002-05:00

Here's another tip to dramatically cut your cost of living costs.
3) Stop wasting money heating your house! The most efficient way to heat a home is with a gas fired, forced hot air furnace. This is not to be confused with a heat pump. A heat pump is second only to electric baseboard heat for being inefficient for home heating. But because not everyone has a gas furnace heating their home, here is a suggestion on how to lower you cold weather heat bills. Go to your favorite, local big box building supply store and pick up a few small, portable heaters. They generally cost around $15.00 per unit. Look for the non-ceramic type but rather the small fan-forced heating element type. These are 110 volt heaters that draw about as much power as a small hair dryer. How to save $$$ with them is like this: During the night while you are asleep, there really is no logical reason to heat your entire house. You are in your bedroom, tucked snugly under your covers. Realistically, the only rooms you need to heat are your bedrooms so turn your house-heat thermostat down to 55 or 60. The first one up in the morning should then give the house a good shot of heat. These small compact heaters usually come with a thermostat enabling you to set your bedroom temperature to whatever you wish. The heater will cycle on and off during the night saving you hundreds of dollars in fuel costs. How do I know this? I personally have been doing this for years. I own three of them and keep one in my bedroom, one in my den and one in the kitchen. I can keep my heating and electric costs down to under $90.00 per month using this method. If you have kids, put one in their bedrooms too. Also, if your house is empty during the day, lower your house thermostat way down and set your portable heater thermostats down to 65 degrees. This will keep rooms of your choice warm for you when you get home at night. If this works for you, write me with your feedback. Best of luck, Ray

Recession over? Not by a long shot. Part 2

2009-11-01T10:06:00.002-05:00

Here are more suggestions on how to weather this recession.
2) Shop wisely. Here's a newsflash: BULK IS BETTER!! If you don't have a Sam's club or B.J'S Wholesale club membership yet, get one! You will save hundreds on certain goods in the course of a year. All of your paper goods are cheaper: toilet paper, napkins, tissues, plastic cups, paper plates, aluminum foil, plastic wrap, garbage bags and paper towels. Bar soap is cheaper in bulk. Most food items are cheaper too. Coffee, creamer, breakfast cereal, oil, eggs and butter. Canned goods, salad dressings, flour, rice, mayonnaise and spices. If you rotate your stock of items so that you are replacing one large item per week, you won't feel the outlay as much. Use your grocery store for last minute items and fresh meats and fish only. The term, "Cheaper by the dozen" really applies to these bulk, chain outlets.

The truth about water

2009-10-31T11:07:00.002-04:00

During my illustrious career I did a small stint as a personal fitness trainer. And as a fitness trainer I can tell you that the most important thing that you can do for your body is to drink water. A massive, collective groan can now be heard in cyberspace sounding something like this: "Ugh, I hate water." "Water has no taste, BLAH!!!" "I drink coffee, doesn't that have water in it?" "All I drink all day is soda." Bad, bad, bad! The following is the truth about water.
1) Drinking too much water can kill you. True, but only if you drink in excess of 2 gallons all in one gulp. A few months back there was a story about a woman who died while drinking water for a stunt on a radio show. That outcome is rare but can happen nonetheless. Exactly how much water should you drink every day? 64 ounces. The recommended dose is 8 eight ounce glasses during the course of the day. Why do humans need 64 ounces of water? Our bodies are composed of 80% water and our muscles are composed of 70% water. We need water to survive. Normally, a human body will survive for only 3 days without any water intake.
2) Drinking water will help you lose weight. Absolutely true and here's why: If, on a daily basis you fail to consume your required amount of water to stay alive, your body's life-saving system kicks into action causing your body to retain as much water as possible. The cells directly under the skin will swell with water, sweating will cease and urination will decrease. But, by drinking water your body naturally releases water stored in the skin, flushes out waste water from the kidneys and releases your body from "survival mode." So, the more water you drink the less you store, leading to total body weight loss. And remember, a gallon of water weighs about 7 pounds so do the math. There is one more reason why drinking lots of water will contribute to weight loss: your liver. Why? When you don't drink enough water your body will de-hydrate causing your kidneys to overwork themselves. Some of the kidneys functions are to flush toxins from the body and to regulate your bodies water level. When your kidneys are overworked they look to your liver for help. Your liver will then help your kidneys perform their job, but your livers function is then decreased. One of your livers primary functions is to metabolize fat. This causes your body to burn fat inefficiently causing weight gain. See how everything ties in?
3) Drinking water will cure some headaches. Absolutely true and here's why: Inside your cranium your brain is surrounded and floats in water, your bodies MAIN source of stored water. When you fail to drink your daily amount your body goes into survival mode taking water from your cranium and distributing it throughout your body. As the water level inside your head decreases, your brain can rub against the inside of your cranium causing small bruises which then become headaches. I can personally attest to this last bit of advice. As a young man I failed to drink my bodies natural requirement of water and I suffered from debilitating headaches. Drinking water has cured that.
4) water will give you smooth, clean skin and help build bigger and better muscles while weight training. True. Beer, soda, iced tea and coffee all contain water but there is NO SUBSTITUTE for drinking plain water. Cheers!!!

Too much information

2009-10-30T14:39:00.002-04:00

Privacy n., pl. -cies 1 a being private; seclusion 2 secrecy 3 one’s private life.
There was a time when the only information offered up by an individual to an unconcerned world was their inherent religious beliefs. Jews wore yarmulkes, Mennonite women wore baskets on their heads, Amish men wore straw hats, east Indians had dots on their foreheads and so on and so forth. These simple attributes provided information about a person without uttering a single word. A simple gold band or a diamond worn on the fourth finger of the left hand also provided enough information as to whether a person was single or attached. Skin color, eye color, hair color, and eye shape also provide information about an individual.
Long ago, there were certain situations called, “secrets.” If you had one, the object was to not release the information hidden inside the secret. The secret could have been about any number of things: a secret love, a secret pregnancy, a secret crime, secret plans, secret hideaways, secret preferences for a mate. People used to tell each other secrets and swear them to secrecy. The whole concept seems lost in that respect. Occasionally a secret would “get out” meaning someone didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
Where am I leading with all this? Too much information. It’s the latest catch phrase of the decade. Privacy is dead and buried. And for enough money, you can purchase the contents of a lot of secrets. How did all this happen? I blame “Divorce Court.” If you grew up watching black and white television, then you can remember divorce court. It was in essence the beginning of “Reality T.V.” We would watch in awe as husbands and wives aired their dirty laundry for the world to see, while a judge listened intently before rendering a final decision. It was the ultimate, “fly on the wall” experience. The mildest form of voyeurism. But that wasn’t enough. No, we had to have more. The television show, “The Dating Game” provided America with yet more unsolicited information regarding certain “average Jane” females likes and dislikes towards eligible bachelors. And they in turn volunteered even more juicy, personal and private information. Day after day, week after week, year after year. The same genius behind the dating game also gave us, “The Newlywed Game.” It was inevitable. Push the envelope of privacy just a little bit further. I have to admit, I laughed like a mental patient at some of the answers given. The obvious object of the show was to entertain, but in the process, doors that were meant to be closed were unceremoniously opened. Discretion would be weighed and flaunted. Secrets were no longer guarded with vigor. The “People’s Court” saw to that. Judge Wapner became a household name and a viable celebrity.
Soon, even more signs of unwanted information began to appear. “Mood Rings” came along to alert us all to whether someone was suicidal, homicidal or horny. Pregnant women rode the bandwagon with their BABY tee-shirts, letting the south pointing arrow do the explaining. At least that bit of info. answered the unasked question: too much pizza and beer? Soccer moms hung their “baby on board” signs from their mini-vans and station wagons. More unsolicited information. Did I really need to know that? Was that meant to squash any premeditated notion of myself gleefully ramming my car into the back of theirs? I think not. Oh, and lets not forget bumper stickers. Aren’t we all better off knowing that so-and-so’s child is an honor roll student at such-and-such school? For some, cars are just rolling billboards enabling them to provide us with too much information.
Tattoos are certainly a colorful way to share someone’s information. Names, dates, locations, religious persuasion and even gender bias can all be gleaned from inked skin. I think of it as someone just screaming for attention. Kind of like people who write columns on wacky subjects. Hmmmnn…… anyway, cell phone users fall into the category of individuals providing us with too much of their information. First off, it’s a phone. It’s not two tin cans tied together by string. You don’t have to yell into it for the person on the other end to hear you. Unless of course the other person is deaf. I am tired of inadvertently eavesdropping on other people’s conversations. You are not that important. Your life is not that intriguing. I don’t care what you have to say. And the high tech geeks with “Star Trek” phones pierced through their upper earlobes sound like schizophrenics walking down the street talking to themselves. We used to run away from people like that!
That wonderful invention “The internet” is now providing millions with the opportunity to tell all the world about themselves. “Youtube,” “Myspace,” “Facebook,” are just a few examples of where one can go to gain further unwanted information. We can hear about this one’s rehab stint or that one’s relationship break-up or everyone’s divorce plans even before the parties involved know about it. There are no more secrets. Lives are open books for anyone to read. Papparazzi are every where and are taking pictures of everything. Camera’s in cell phones. Wire taps on land lines. Reality shows permeate the airwaves. Where will it all end? The other day while sitting outside my favorite coffee house, a young woman walked by wearing a tee-shirt that read: nobody knows I’m a lesbian. I thought, “gee, nobody knows that I’m heterosexual, but thanks for sharing!”

Recession over? Not by a long shot.

2009-10-30T09:28:00.002-04:00

Don't believe the hype. A slight upturn in GDP. So what. The "cash for clunkers" plan accomplished that. Housing value up slightly. For the homeless, renters, room mates, and terrorists on the run, who cares? Walk into any mall. See anybody? Stroll into the SBARROS there at lunch time. See all the empty tables. Oh, and SBARROS is pronounced "sparrows" for those of you with bad eye/mouth coordination. Take a trip down to your local LOWES at 9:00 a.m. See any Contractors? No? You know why? Because they're all at home with a noose tied around their necks. Of course the other end is tied to the ceiling fan and we all know how sturdy they are. See all the cars and trucks for sale? See any "want ads?" No? You know why? Because there are no jobs!! See all those half-finished homes and commercial buildings? All those empty store fronts that used to house thriving businesses? Are these signs of a recovery? See gas prices rising again? Are you going to spend ANY money on anything if you think gas is going to go through the roof again? No, you won't. Are we screwed? You bet. How do we get out of this? The easy way out is a loaded gun in your throat. Of course, that option contains pain and a lot of blood. That route only creates a job for the mortician. See, a bright spot! Seriously, the only way out of this is to 1) Downsize. Dump the gym membership. Let's face it, you haven't dragged your lazy ass there in months. Cablevision. Do you really need 6,000 channels? It's all mindless drivel anyway. Cancel it. Spend more time reading, talking to your kids, and jogging. You'll have to now that you cancelled the gym. Eating out. This is a no-brainer. With the money you save you'll be able to buy groceries for the week. Read a cookbook. You have the time now that you've cancelled cable. Cut up your credit cards. The bank is going to cancel them anyway. Fire the house keeper. Clean your house yourself. You can, thanks to being in great shape from the jogging. See a pattern here? Sell that S.U.V.! A station wagon can fit anything you want. It will cost you less at the pump. And you can all fit into it now that you've all stopped watching T.V., eating out, and started cleaning the house together. The jogging hasn't hurt either.

Outsource your decision making process!

2009-10-30T08:41:00.002-04:00

Why not? Seems these days everyone is outsourcing something. Why not outsource making a decision? Can't decide which car to buy for your college age kid? Ask me. Give me the particulars i.e., budget, @ miles driven annually, male or female, whether you care if they still love you for buying them a sky blue 1978 Ford Granada, etc., etc. and I will tell you the right car to purchase. How can I do this? Because I'm smarter than you! No, really, I am. All kidding aside, the truth is that according to my I.Q. test results, I have a logical mind. Great for solving puzzles, analyzing complex problems and making the correct decision. What people used to call "common sense." So, don't know what to make for dinner tonight? How many are you feeding? What's in the fridge right now? Can you follow a recipe? Is there someone you'd like to poison but not leave any evidence? Ask me, I'll tell you what to make. I'll even throw in a recipe! But not for poisoning. I have to draw the line somewhere. Has someone asked you to marry them? Can't make a decision? Give me the facts and I will give you the answer. Should you add a room to your house? Dormer or out the back? These questions and more can be answered. Trust me. Would I steer you wrong? Wanna buy some land in AZ.? Just kidding. So, what are you waiting for? Who else in this world is going to give you free, unsolicited advice? ME!! I await your quandary.